Your True Self Knows the Truth

Your True Self knows who you are. Your True Self knows your value, that you're connected with the Source of all creation. Your True Self knows that you are Love at the core of your being. This attitude of worthlessness is merely your False Self that you erected as a psychological defense to childhood abuse and neglect. 

This false self saved your ass and kept you sane as a child, but as an adult, it is no longer healthy. You've got to break through this barrier of lies, pain, false beliefs and get down to the wound, heal the wound through your presence and then your mind will untwist and you'll see your true essence on the other side. 

Healthy Fear

Everyone talks about overcoming fear. But we also need to allow ourselves to fear when appropriate. Some people and relationships need to be feared. Fear is a helpful instinct. Don't allow yourself to gloss over the facts. If someone is abusive to you even a little, be afraid. Panic. Freak out. Go bonkers. Run! Connect with the warning system in your heart. Get permanently away from those who cause you pain. Get out before the damage is done. Connect with your healthy fear... Protect yourself from harmful relationships. Take care of you. ❤

Invalidation

INVALIDATION is the root of codependency. Our true selves, our personal truth was not validated... If we want to heal we must REPARENT ourselves by validating ourselves instead of repeating the abuse that we received while our hearts were innocent and vulnerable... http://eqi.org/invalid.htm

Love this article by Darlene at Emerging from Broken on Self Validation for Emotional Healing from Abuse

This article contains my research on Invalidation

"Invalidation is to reject, ignore, mock, tease, judge, or diminish someone's feelings. It is an attempt to control how they feel and for how long they feel it."

Constant invalidation may be one of the most significant reasons a person with high innate emotional intelligence suffers from unmet emotional needs later in life.(1) A sensitive child who is repeatedly invalidated becomes confused and begins to distrust his own emotions. He fails to develop confidence in and healthy use of his emotional brain-- one of nature's most basic survival tools. To adapt to this unhealthy and dysfunctional environment, the working relationship between his thoughts and feelings becomes twisted. His emotional responses, emotional management, and emotional development will likely be seriously, and perhaps permanently, impaired. The emotional processes which worked for him as a child may begin to work against him as an adult. 


All invalidation is a form of psychological attack. When we are attacked, our survival instinct tells us to defend ourselves either through withdrawal or counter-attack. Repeated withdrawal, though, tends to decrease our self-confidence and lead to a sense of powerlessness and depression. On the other hand, going on the offensive often escalates the conflict or puts us in the position of trying to change another person. 

One sign of both high self-esteem and high EQ is the absence of either of these defensive responses. A healthier response, one which is both informative and assertive, without being aggressive, is to simply express your feelings clearly and concisely. For example, you might respond, "I feel invalidated," "I feel mocked," or "I feel judged."
How the other person responds to your emotional honesty will depend upon, and be indicative of:

(a) how much they respect you
(b) how much they care about you and your feelings
(c) how insecure and defensive they are
(d) how much they are trying to change or control you

All of this is information which will help you make decisions which are in your best interest.

Recent research by Thomas R. Lynch, Ph.D. of Duke University supports the idea that invalidation leads to mental health problems. He writes "...a history of emotion invalidation (i.e., a history of childhood psychological abuse and parental punishment, minimization, and distress in response to negative emotion) was significantly associated with emotion inhibition (i.e., ambivalence over emotional expression, thought suppression, and avoidant stress responses). Further, emotion inhibition significantly predicted psychological distress, including depression and anxiety symptoms.) (Reference)

We regularly invalidate others because we ourselves were, and are often invalidated, so it has become habitual. Below are a few of the many ways we are invalidated:

• We are told we shouldn't feel the way we feel
• We are dictated not to feel the way we feel
• We are told we are too sensitive, too "dramatic"
• We are ignored
• We are judged
• We are led to believe there is something wrong with us for feeling how we feel

Examples of invalidating expressions. -- Each is an attempt to talk you out of your feelings.

"Ordering" You to Feel Differently
Smile.
Be happy.
Cheer up
Lighten up.
Get over it.
Grow up
Get a life
Don't cry.
Don't worry.
Don't be sad.
Stop whining
Stop laughing..
Don't get angry
Deal with it.
Give it a rest.
Forget about it.
Stop complaining.
Don't be so dramatic.
Don't be so sensitive.
Stop being so emotional.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself (Source)
Stop taking everything so personally

Ordering You to "Look" Differently
Don't look so sad.
Don't look so smug.
Don't look so down.
Don't look like that.
Don't make that face.
Don't look so serious.
Don't look so proud of yourself.
Don't look so pleased with yourself.


Denying Your Perception, Defending
You've got it all wrong.
But of course I respect you.
But I do listen to you.
That is ridiculous (nonsense, totally absurd, etc.)
I was only kidding.
That's not the way things are.
That's not how things are.
I honestly don't judge you as much as you think.
It's not going to happen
Trying to Make You Feel Guilty While Invalidating You
I tried to help you..
At least I .....
At least you....
You are making everyone else miserable. (Source)

Trying to Isolate You
You are the only one who feels that way.
It doesn't bother anyone else, why should it bother you?

Minimizing Your Feelings
You must be kidding.
You can't be serious.
It can't be that bad.
Your life can't be that bad.
You are just ... (being difficult; being dramatic, in a bad mood, tired, etc)
It's nothing to get upset over.
It's not worth getting that upset over.
There's nothing wrong with you. (Source)


Using Reason
There is no reason to get upset.
You are not being rational.
But it doesn't make any sense to feel that way.
Let's look at the facts.
Let's stick to the facts.
But if you really think about it....

Telling You How You "Should" Feel or Act
You should be excited.
You should be thrilled.
You should feel guilty.
You should feel thankful that...
You should be happy that ....
You should be glad that ...
You should just drop it.
You shouldn't worry so much.
You shouldn't let it bother you.
You should just forget about it.
You should feel ashamed of yourself.
You shouldn't wear your heart out on your sleeve.
You shouldn't say that about your father.

Defending The Other Person
Maybe they were just having a bad day.
I am sure she didn't mean it like that.
You just took it wrong.
I am sure she means well.

Negating, Denial & Confusion
Now you know that isn't true.
You don't mean that. You know you love your baby brother.
You don't really mean that. You are just ... (in a bad mood today, tired, cranky)

Sarcasm and Mocking
Oh, you poor thing. Did I hurt your little feelings?
What did you think? The world was created to serve you?
What happened to you? Did you get out of the wrong side of bed again?

Laying Guilt Trips
Don't you ever think of anyone but yourself?
What about my feelings?!
Have you ever stopped to consider my feelings?

Philosophizing Or Clichés
Time heals all wounds.
Every cloud has a silver lining.
Life is full of pain and pleasure.
In time you will understand this.
When you are older you will understand
You are just going through a phase.
Everything has its reasons.
Everything is just the way it is supposed to be.

Talking about you when you can hear it
She is impossible to talk to.
You can't say anything to her.

Showing Intolerance
This is getting really old.
This is getting really pathetic.
I am sick of hearing about it.

A person with well-developed emotional intelligence, a healthy set of emotional skills, empathy, and a healthy self-esteem will rarely invalidate another person's feelings, especially not the feelings of a sensitive child.
___

Validating / Invalidating  - Great article

"One disqualifies oneself when one is afraid to say what one really feels and means for fear that others will reject it.  Hence disqualifiers say things in a way that allows them “plausible deniability.” They can claim they were misinterpreted if the other family members object." 


They accomplish this through wide range of deviant communicational phenomena, “…such as self-contradictions, inconsistencies, subject switches, tangentializations, incomplete sentences, misunderstandings, obscure style or mannerisms of speech, the literal interpretation of metaphor and the metaphorical interpretation of literal remarks, etc." (p. 76).
___
 

Linehan (1993a) investigates 'invalidating environments' and relates them to self injury.

"An invalidating environment is one in which communication of private experiences is met by erratic, inappropriate, or extreme responses. In other words, the expression of private experiences is not validated; instead it is often punished and/or trivialized. The experience of painful emotions disregarded. The individual's interpretations of her own behavior, including the experience of the intents and motivations of the behavior, are dismissed..."

"When your awareness rises, you'll begin to notice such comments on a regular basis. Together, they take their toll on us. We wonder if there is something wrong with us for feeling how we do. It seems fair to say that with enough invalidation, one person can figuratively, if not literally, drive another person crazy. This is especially possible, I believe, in the case where one person has long-term power over another. Examples of such relationships are parent/child, teacher/child, "spiritual" leader/follower, boss/employee, spouse A/spouse B. Such a sad scenario appears to be even more likely when the person being invalidated is highly sensitive, intelligent and has previously suffered self-esteem damage."

Addressing Invalidation with CBT

SelfLoveU Facebook Group Re-Opening

Hi Everyone,

As you may know, I've been on hiatus from the Facebook Group for SelfLoveU for a while. My goal was to start my real estate practice, begin generating enough income, then to return to writing about healing, recovery and self love. Well, that time has come. Business is good, and I have time to devote to healing and helping others realize the value of who they are. So excited!!!

If you are interested in the topic of Self Love, I highly recommend joining my Facebook Group:

You can also get great Self Love content by joining our Facebook Fan Page:

Behind the Mirror (Poem)

Here is a poem I wrote in November 2012, about the time I was waking up and realizing that I had no idea who I was, and no idea how I felt, and no idea what I needed. This is when I was coming out of the FOG, and I realized that everything I believed to be truth for me was actually not me, but the whims of others including parents, society, church, etc...

The Mirror

Mirror on the wall
tell me who I am
the answer to my question
is held in my reflection.
helps, but not the same.

I can’t feel me,
but I see me
Where is the map
to the image you reflect?

I am not there.
What I see is not me.
Mirrors and lights refract
like a prism in the air

try to hold it,
but I’m not there.
tell me who I am
tell me what you see

Am I here?
Do I exist?

I need a map to me.

The Fake Giver

Just when you think you've figured life out, whap! You get slapped up-side the face with a new one--least that's how my life seems to be... I've learned that there is yet another type of person in the world who will trip you up on your way to your life of bliss, and that is THE FAKE GIVER.

The Fake Giver is one who pretends to be a giver, much like the malignant narcissist who flatters during the idealization stage. The Fake Giver pretends to be on your side, like they care about you, like they have empathy, like they have mounds of generosity in their soul, only to grab everything back like a stingy miser once they have you fooled.

The Fake Giver hooks you with the pretense that they care about you. If you're a giver like me, you are prey to people who will use and abuse you using covert tactics where they dangle the carrot of promised return in front of your face. Unfortunately, the return never comes and if you're naive to these types, you may end up with a negative balance of your own self esteem and removed from the path towards your highest good.

The hook is the way The Fake Giver pretends, fawns over you, offers you a ride, likes one of your photos on Facebook, sends you flowers, helps you move, calls every day... These actions are trust points that weaken your defenses and leave you open as easy prey for the unscrupulous pretenders out there.

Just being generous is not enough to prove one to be a Fake Giver. It's hard to decipher who is real and who has an agenda to steal your mojo.

• Overly enamored with you early on in relationship - If it's too good to be true, it usually is.
• Gives and then pulls back - This is intermittent reinforcement. 
• Says things to get you to fall in love with them.
• Gives you products to entice you to purchase something.
• Pretends to be your friend, but has secret agenda.
• Makes offers to make themselves look good, while knowing that you would never accept.
• Buys you gifts or does selfless things for you without your reciprocation. (won't last)

Intermittent reinforcement is a powerful manipulative tactic that is used by The Fake Giver to gain control over his or her victim. They give, give, withdraw, give, withdraw, withdraw, withdraw, give, withdraw. This process makes engaging with them more like a slot machine in Las Vegas than a human to human interaction. You never know what you're going to get. It's human nature to "protest" or turn toward those who turn away, especially when you're in a close relationship. That's how our attachment system is wired. This is the starting point of addiction--addiction to takers and other toxic types.

The Fake Giver uses your love, kindness, compassion, empathy and neediness against you. He or she hooks you with intermittent reinforcement and other manipulative techniques. Before you know it, you find yourself obsessed with gaining the attention of one of these selfish weasels. Learn to recognize the Fake Giver. Start by confronting the lies during the emotional abuse grooming process (early on) to prevent being taken off track.

Confronting the Liars In Your Life

One of the most pivotal processes in recovery from codependency, narcissistic abuse, childhood trauma, depression or mental illness is to confront the lies in your life. Through therapy I learned that many things I believed about myself and others were untrue. It was only after I discovered the truth for myself that I was able to see things clearly. The truth is the healing balm for whatever ails your soul, this is true.

Today I want to discuss confronting lies on a more granular level. Confronting the liars around you. Confronting the lies that other people tell you. Most of the people who read my work are people who are hurting, who have been abused, used, harmed and hurt their whole lives. We are on a journey to recovery, a journey to finding ourselves... 

In the process of finding ourselves, we must discover who we are not. We must also analyze the intricate interactions of our lives to figure out where and how we are deviating from our own personal truth. Believing the lies of others, or going along with lies without question damages your integrity, leaves you open for exploitation and takes you off your path to your Highest Good.

Personally, I've been screwed over by liars and manipulative people. I've been abused, exploited and harmed repeatedly. Why? It's because of the child abuse I endured from age 0-7 years. I was not taught to protect myself against unscrupulous blood suckers. In fact, I was trained to PLEASE these vampires instead. Talk about inside/out, upside/down. It has taken me a long time to sort out the ways I make myself vulnerable to those who wish me no good.


How do Lies harm you?
Why do you believe the Lies?

What is a Lie?

A lie is a falsehood (the opposite of truth) that someone else uses in order to get something from you without you knowing it. A lie is NEVER GOOD. Any time you recognize that someone is lying to you, it is YOUR RESPONSIBILITY to call them out so as to protect the integrity of your True Self.

Types of Lies

Lying is diverse. A lie can be anything...

• A promise to do something...
• Flattering you...
• Leaving out important facts...
• Telling you things that are not true about themselves...
• Faking empathy, compassion, care or concern...
• Alluding to the potential of meeting your needs...
• Making up stories...
• Being 2-faced...
• Sharing untruths about feelings...
• Saying they don't remember (selective memory)...
• Promising never to do it again...
• Not telling you who they were with...
• Leading you to believe they are one way when they are not...

 A lie is deception... yet, I've noticed a little nuance in my interactions with others... It seems that I tolerate and welcome lies from other people without question.

I was always taught not to confront others. As a child, I was taught that everyone else was right and I was wrong, which left no room for a lesson in assertiveness and confrontation when appropriate. Today, I noticed recently, that I tend to "go along with" lies that others tell me without stopping, trusting my truth and confronting the liar directly. Well, that's all about to change.

Healing and growth comes in spurts; for me, I've had to build myself up from utter demolition. Sometimes it takes granular work like this to lay hold of your personal truth and stand guard over it like a mother with her cubs. I am my own responsibility.

People will lie to you as long as you let them. If you don't confront another in their lies, their lies will continue. Some people don't play fair. They're all about power and control. People who are kind, compassionate, empathetic and naive falsely assume everyone is like they are... they can't fathom lying to gain advantage, so the thought that someone else would do it never crosses their minds. If you're a good person, you may not see what hits you--that's why good people like us need strong boundaries and assertive confrontation skills to keep our spirits from being thwarted by the lying serpents in our midst.

Not confronting a liar in your life can lead to DIRE CONSEQUENCES. Looking back on all the times I've been hurt by narcissists, emotional blackmailers and takers, I can see it all started with a series of lies. Had I taken a stand and confronted these people upfront, I would not have been so easily veered off the path of my personal truth.

Lies are meant to capture your attention and energies that should be moving toward your HIGHEST GOOD, and draw them for the sole benefit of the liar himself/herself. Lies are used because they work. It is relatively easy to tell a needy person everything he/she wants to hear and get them to forget who they are, where they're going and why they're here. If you want to protect yourself from abuse in the future, it's crucial that you start standing up to EVERY LIE you encounter. You cannot operate from your truth if you allow yourself to be corrupted by lies.

Who Lies to you?

Anyone can lie to you, in fact, I bet you can find lies all around you if you pay close attention. Get yourself a journal and start recording the lies you encounter from others day-to-day. Lies come from everywhere--especially if you never confront those who lie to you...

• Children
• Spouse
• Clerk at Store
• Date 
• Parents
• Siblings
• Best Friend
• Boyfriend/Girlfriend
• Neighbor
• Therapist
• Television
• Government
• Media 
• Church
• Cults 

You name it! People all around you may potentially lie to you or tell you something that has the potential to alter your behavior in their favor, all the while not intending to follow-through, or expecting you to require them to.  In the civil and criminal courts, this is Fraud.

I'm not trying to turn you against your loved-ones, I'm just trying to get you to confront any and all lies in your life because going along with those who lie to you is like living your Life in the False Lane (definitely a good title for an article).

Why Confront a Liar? 

Confronting a liar is a mental boundary that will help you to stay centered in your truth instead of lead astray from your highest good... If someone lies to you, that person is trying to put one over on you. It may be your child. This doesn't mean they are evil, it means they need to be confronted. You cannot allow people to lie to you no matter how difficult it is to confront the bullshit.

How to Confront a Liar

Liars come in all shapes and sizes. Not all liars are slithering serpents that Adam and Eve discovered in Eden. Some liars are your cuddle partners, your fiance and even your best friend! How do you confront these "little white lies" and omissions in your life? Here's a list of tips:

• Listen to what other people are telling you. 
• Clarify the statement when someone tells you they'll be doing something for you.
• Request confirmation of promises and facts.
• Ask questions around the lie (this lets them know you're not gonna fall for it). 
• Listen to your inner voice when it tells you not to believe what another is saying. 

Whatever you do, don't gloss over a lie and pretend you didn't notice it. These lies you gloss over form a giant clump from which you can be foisted from your self protective stance. A lot of lies can eventually topple you over completely. People can lie their way into your life, your bank accounts, your marriage and your bedroom. Put a stop to it as the keeper of your own soul. No more lies!

Why worry about the feelings of someone who is lying to you??? We must be much more concerned about the victim to the abusive lies, and that person is YOU. You are valuable and you deserve to be told the truth and you're not falling for bullshit lies.

• You're not trying to sell me anything? Hmmm... Are you sure you're telling me the truth?
• You're not going to Hawaii next month? Why did you tell me that you were?
• If I join this group I will make a lot of money? How much money? Is there a chance I won't?
• You didn't mean to allow your dog to bite me? Wow. This is a new habit your dog just learned?
• How much do they love you at work? Are you really a shareholder?

People who will lie to you are people who want something from you. Anytime you're considering a new relationship, or new transition, be on the lookout for liars. Liars prey on the needy--strong, independent people are not likely to fall for the lies of the liar. Only people who are weak and feel insecure about confronting lies will end up victims of exploitation from everywhere around them.

Start watching for lies, confronting lies and setting boundaries accordingly. Do not tolerate lies. Do not stay with someone who continues to lie and violates your boundaries. Stick with the truth so YOUR TRUTH can flourish and outshine on every lie.