Longing for Self Love

I used to wake in the morning with someone on my mind. My heart longed for the fulfillment of love that always seemed elusive. Longing to me was love and love was longing. Longing was not fun, it was painful, ironic and always left me empty. Little did I know that I, myself, was the one keeping me there, in the state of perpetual desire for the fulfillment of love that would never come.

Longing was me pouring my love, my need, my desire and sometimes my obsession into another person. Funny, now, to note that the person I dreamed about was always unavailable, unattainable and guaranteed to perpetuate my state.


Its hard to describe this constant state of longing, other than to say that it is like a song that's never finished, a meal that can't be tasted, an oasis on the horizon that can never be held in reality. It's the ultimate rat-race, a never ending treadmill of wanting, hoping, wishing for the completion of that which is missing... Love. How I longed for love, real love, true love, reciprocal love, unconditional love, love that accepted me just as I am, love. I longed for it night and day, pining away for the impossible.

As the object of the completion, the fulfillment of my longing, I would erect a talisman of sorts, that in the image of a man. A relationship. True love depicted in the movies. What everyone else had, everyone else, that is, but me. My heart ached to be loved, to be fulfilled, to be whole, and I projected this need outside of myself, onto the image of another person.

If THAT PERSON recognizes that I am lovely, lovable and worthy, then I can rest assured. If THAT PERSON deems me desirable, and chooses me among all others, then I can love myself. If THAT PERSON sees my value and gives me what I need, then this longing can stop and my hope will be made full. I rehearsed the lines indefinitely, over and over I longed for each to fulfill the role of making me okay, of giving me the worth I desperately craved.

Longing to be with someone who treats you poorly is a sign of self-abandonment. The attention and love you need to discover is your own. Longing is the process of projecting your good parts onto another instead of bringing them inside yourself. 

~ Jenna Ryan

#SelfLoveU

All I wanted was love. All I did was long for it. I did not know what love was. It took me a lot of heartbreak and heartache to discover that the thing that I longed for was never coming. I was never going to get the emptiness inside filled-up by a third party. No man was going to serve the role of Knight and Shining Armor, arriving to make me lovable. No, I had to do it myself.

This started a journey of discovery, healing and wholeness that still occurs to this day. Every day I've grown stronger in my heart as I first realized that no one else could give me what I longed for--no one else but me. That, despite the trickery of projection and psychological defenses of denial and wishful thinking, that I would have to find a way to love myself.

The longing was so embedded in my heart that it was comfortable to me. I thought longing and love were the same. I actually felt better in a state of longing than in a state of connectedness and love. I had to learn to move through the discomfort, and to embrace a new way of life. I had to trust my heart to lead me through the demolition of my old habits and ways of thinking, and build new habits of self love and inner strength.

I had to let go of longing. It was difficult, but I did it. As I let go of longing, I had to do something with the energy in its place. Instead of longing, I faced myself, meeting myself at that place of need and figuring out (an act of self-love) just what it was that I was longing for. I had to face the truth about what I needed. I had to stop projecting my need onto others and take responsibility inside my own heart. I had to realize that love is fulfillment. Love is satisfaction. Love is wholeness. Love feels good. Longing and love are not the same. I finally go it.

As I looked into my own heart and stopped the bleeding (longing), my wounded heart began to heal. Where once there was longing, there was now fulfillment--not in another, but within myself. I met myself at my need and began to connect inside my own heart. I stopped abandoning my need with defenses of fantasy love, and started meeting my needs with real self-respect, self-affirmation and self-knowledge. The gaping emptiness subsided and I could finally stand securely in my own presence without the need to be bolstered by an outside person. What a beautiful relief!

Today when I awake in the morning, I don't dream of the man-of-the-hour, romance, love, bliss... Sure, I'd love to find someone special to appreciate and share my life with, but that is not my reason for living. Now, I awake with a profound appreciation for who I am, for what life has to offer, for the power that I have to walk through my day with purpose and peace, blessing the lives of others, and for God who loves me and guides me. I can't tell you what a joy it is to find love like this within my own heart, love for myself. Hope for today, in good times and bad, it's always there--real, fulfilling love, completion and wholeness. My heart beats for me...

The only longing to follow 

is the longing to know 

Who you are. 

~Leonard Jacobson

Abundant Self Love

By Sherrie Campbell, PhD

It is absolutely amazing how when you become focused on loving yourself, on walking your path letting wisdom guide you and you are brave enough to open your heart to let love enter, it will enter purely, cleanly and with abundance. Random acts of kindness will shown to you. You will see there are angels in the form of people waitng to love you and give you what you need. Once you love yourself you will see that love is everywhere you look. If you don't love yourself you will be caught in a perception of lack that you will not see the miracles.

When you have self love you become more kind and graceful. You also become more discerning of the company you keep. You realize that you cannot make another person grow, that the only person you can control is you, and YOU are what you contribute to this world. Be disciplined and discerning.
 

Protect your emotional space not with harsh words or unkind actions but by simply stepping away and letting people go who do not have your best interest at heart...you will recongnize if they do not have your best interest they are likely not capable of knowing what is in their best interest either. This is a recipe for confusion and disaster. If someone has no insight into themselves they are likely to be unconsciously hurtful to others. Let them go and allow life to teach them better.

When we love ourselves, our lives work. When we love ourselves our lives become easier and this makes it easier for the world around us. We may not be able to solve world peace but we can master our own peace and contribute that to the world. Sometimes it just takes committing to that one small step of progress you can make each day to better yourself and your life and the miracles will happen. Happy labor day

Appreciate Yourself

Love Remains

Post by Sherrie Campbell, PhD

 

Life is the ebb and flow of gaining and losing. One always following the other. The stillness that is in the middle is love. Love is who and what we are at our very core and it is amazing how we can feel this love when we are gaining and our life is in positive momentum, but when we are losing we feel abandoned by this love. We feel it must have left our lives. It hasn't. It won't because it can't. All that can happen is we can accidentally disconnect from it. When life hits us with the unexpected it is natural to feel completely off center and out of balance, to feel alone and without love but that is just the mind's reaction to the loss because the love is still there waiting for you to plug in so it may guide and nurture you through your down time. We connect to this love by becoming aware of it. We can become aware of it by simply remembering it is there. If we seek it, it will seek us back. If we show that we trust it, it will show us our trust is precious. We can get through ANYTHING! All it takes is awareness. We are not more loved in our gaining times in life than we are in our losing times. The love within remains the same the only thing that changes is the mind's perception. We feel loved when successful and not loved when in failure...and yet when in failure that is when we seek love the most, it is when we grow the most and it is our most vulnerable place of connection. So if you are down...do not forget to seek the love within you..it never leaves.

Getting Your Needs Met

Everybody has needs. We all do. Each and every one of us has needs. The things we need are what make us human. We need attention, love, affirmation, direction, respect, encouragement--we need all sorts of things!!! If we were brought up in an unhealthy environment, we may have been taught that our needs are a burden, that we should be ashamed of our needs, or we might not even know what our needs are. This leaves us as a decoy for selfish people who are only focused on their own needs.
 
If you were not taught how to get your needs met in a healthy way, you may resort to indirect methods for getting your needs met, or you may refrain from getting your needs met at all, which is very painful. Without a clear understanding of who you are and what you need... without a clear understanding of your right to have needs, and your right to expect your needs to be met... without respectful modeling and self love and self respect, you will have a hard time filling the emptiness inside. We are created for relationship and without the proper connections, we dwindle like a plant without water. If we are out-of-touch with our needs, we die on the vine.

Getting your needs met as an adult is YOUR RESPONSIBILITY. Some people are entitled. They think everybody else was put on earth to meet their needs for them. They take no responsibility for their own needs and blame anyone near for their issues. Others are "needless and wantless." They have been conditioned to not have any needs at all. These people may feel like a victim who is constantly being abused and martyred. The best way to be is healthy, self-nurturing. It's best to know who you are, know your needs, be confident to make your needs known, and strong enough to walk away or distance yourself from those who are incapable of meeting your needs in reciprocal fashion. You need the water of connection, friendship, relationship to be a healthy, whole, fulfilled person.

Many of your needs can only be met in relationship, but it is up to you to foster relationships which are capable of meeting your needs. Relationships that are unequal, one-sided or abusive will not do the trick. If you want to be fulfilled and happy, you must cultivate relationships with people who are capable of filling your emotional cup and respecting you, even as you do the same for them.

Some people in life are selfish and only focused on their own needs. These people will exploit others by focusing the attention of the relationship on them and by ignoring your needs. Really crafty people who are seriously toxic may even ignore your needs, steal all the attention and then blame you for being selfish. Imagine that! These people are out there. Beware.

The point is that you have a right to your needs and you have a right to expect your needs to be met. That doesn't mean that people should always cater to your every whim and pay attention to you whenever you beckon. I'm not saying that! Everyone has their own decisions to make about what they can do for other people. What I am saying is that you don't want to be in a relationship with a blood sucker who just wants to exploit you by stealing your time, energy, emotions and thoughts without giving you anything in return.

You deserve to be considered. You deserve a reciprocal relationship. You have the right to express what you want, and the right to expect that your needs will be reasonably met in a relationship. You shouldn't have to hide your needs or pretend not to need anything in order to win the approval of others--that is murderous to your own soul! You shouldn't be so bent on pleasing another person that you swallow your own values and mold yourself into the shape of their liking. This is like walking to the gallows. Don't allow yourself to be hanged in the name of acceptance.

If you are confident to let your friend, lover, spouse or employer know what your needs are, then you are doing the right thing. Just be sure to recognize that not everyone is capable of treating you with respect and honoring your humanity, and therefore your needs. Some people will try to invalidate you by ignoring your needs and putting their own needs up front. You don't ever want to be in the position where you want or need another person in your life so much that you're willing to deny your own needs. This is the equivalent of losing yourself and disappearing.

Some people will walk away from you if you choose to honor your own need to have needs. Those who are insensitive to others may not even like you expressing what you need. Don't let them hurt you. As you love yourself more and begin to gain confidence in expressing your needs and realizing that your needs are valid and you are deserving of an equal relationship, you will lose a few people along the way. Some people will not like that you are a whole person who is full of self love. Let them walk. Let them go. You are more important than any person who thinks you're not.

Don't ever be afraid to ask. It's your right to have needs and to expect your needs be reasonably met. Anyone who walks away from you for asking is not someone you want in your life anyway. Someone who refuses to meet your needs is implying that they are more important--that their needs come first. Don't put up with that! Stick with people who honor your needs and understand reciprocity and know how to relate on a mature, healthy level. Surround yourself with great people who see your value, treat you with dignity and make room for your expressions and your needs. You are SO worth it!

Boundaries Are Your Dignity

Relationship Tip #28 - Is Your Date a Player? Is he just looking for sex?

Relationship Tip #28 - Is Your Date a Player? Is he just looking for sex?

By Carolyn Bushong

1. Does he say he's just looking for a friend or a good time or a casual date?
   Interpretation: Often he means: "I don't want a relationship, just casual sex." Tell him you that being friends first is great, but ultimately you want a long-term relationship, & that if he doesn't you don't really want to go out with him.
2. Is he too focused on you physically (your description or full body shot if online)?
   Interpretation: He can't see past that & isn't really interested in anything else. Tell him you agree that there needs to be honesty about looks, but that he seems a little too focused on that for you.
3. Does he use racy language or want to share sexual histories or want to know what turns you on in bed.
   Interpretation: Someone who talks about sex wants to have sex and is testing you to see how comfortable you are with the come-ons. If you allow it, he will assume that it will happen soon.
4. Does he suggest you watch a movie at his house or yours?
   Interpretation: "Forget the getting to know each other part, let's get on with it!" Let him know that coming to his place seems inappropriate at this stage of the game and that dinner and drinks (each driving their own car) sounds much better.
5. Does he ask you to meet him late at night (after 9pm)?
   Interpretation: "Let's skip the dinner and drinks and get to the good and inexpensive part of the date." Just say no and say you'd rather get together when you can meet after work or at least by 7pm.
6. Does he call and try to get together last minute?
   Interpretation: He's disrespectful of your time, self-involved, and probably horny. Just say, "Sorry, but I could make plans with you for a different night, but I need to know ahead of time. Shall we plan something now for later?"
7. Does he look you in the eye, or at your chest and/or other body parts?
   Interpretation: He knows what he wants, and it's not romance. Just see this as a clue and try to direct him to any topic except sex.
8. Does he try to rush it, wanting to get together before you've had a chance to talk on the phone and get to know each other? Does he want to get together several nights in a row or spend a long weekend together?
   Interpretation: He's impatient and thinks, "Let's get to know each other quickly so we can get to the important part." Let him know you want to take it slow, meeting once and waiting a week or so to get together again

A PLAYER is someone who is in the game because he loves the game of "conquest." When dealing with a player, be sure you don't play along. Don't let him rush you, or be suggestive, or act inappropriately, as he will take advantage of the situation and you will end up angry at yourself that you fell for it. It being that he was very interested in you, not just in the sex. Taking it slow is the only way to be sure he's not a player!