Uncovering Perfectionism

What a relief!!! Perfectionism seeps into the crevices of life, lurking in places you never realized. Some people are perfectly sloppy or perfectly messed-up... It's not just for those with clean houses and tight bodies. Look for it any time you find yourself feeling unworthy. Perfectionism is you striving to attain approval from an internal construct that lives in your mind from childhood somewhere; it's a negative core belief based on a lie you accidentally swallowed. Maybe it was passed-down? People deny it all the time. 

The need to be perfect may seem to benefit you, of course, or you wouldn't do it--but in the end, it ravages your life and leaves you destitute. Any time I'm feeling off, I search my thoughts for hidden perfectionism... What mistakes am I afraid to know about? What humiliation am I avoiding by hiding my weaknesses? You'd be surprised where you'll find it. Uncovering it and exposing your true self underneath is liberating, but takes work and practice. Every day I have to remind myself--"Face it, you're not perfect and you never ever will be, so stop holding yourself back and just be who you really are..." It takes A LOT more courage to be you than it does to be perfect.

How to Let Go of Fear of Abandonment

by K. Nola Mokeyane
 
The fear of abandonment is an insidious phenomenon that can create chaos and unhappiness for partners in romantic relationships. People with abandonment issues are often attracted to unavailable partners with whom they can't -- for one reason or another -- fall completely in love, says clinical psychologist and relationship psychoanalyst Frances Cohen Praver, writing for "Psychology Today." Praver believes that this pattern allows those affected by relationship abandonment issues to play it safe and not fully commit their feelings in a relationship for fear of getting hurt by the abandonment they so desperately want to avoid.

Forgive
One way for you to let go of your fear of abandonment is to practice forgiveness. Part of the reason you may be holding onto this fear is because you're holding on to anger, sadness and other difficult emotions related to abandonment you experienced in the past. If your mother or father abandoned you as a child, it's understandable to still feel hurt. What's not helpful is to assume that other people will make the same choices made by your parents or other significant people who've abandoned you. Mental health counselor Donna M. White, writing for "Psych Central," notes that " forgiveness . . . is about giving you the power to accept the situation for what it is or was, letting go, moving past anger and pain and moving into a better and healthier place." Finding a way to forgive someone who's abandoned you gives you personal freedom and makes room for healthier romantic relationships.

Recognize Your Worth
If you experienced abandonment as a child, your mind may have deduced that if a parent left you, then friends, romantic partners and other significant people in your life are bound to leave you as well. If you took this loss personally and somehow felt responsible for your parent leaving you, then you may feel like your parent chose to leave because you weren't worthy enough for him or her to stay. Clearly, these deductions are fallacious. Human beings undergo complex psychological processes -- making all sorts of choices -- and children aren't responsible for a parent's choice to abandon them. If you believe that you're worthless, then all your actions will be in line with that belief, advises the Theravive website, created by a network of counselors and therapeutic clinics. You need to realize that you're not to blame for your parent's abandonment and see yourself as worthy of love and healthy relationships.

Redirect Negative Thoughts
It's important to redirect negative thoughts in order to let go of your fear of abandonment. If you find yourself obsessed with thoughts of your partner cheating on you, or if you're incredibly worried that she'll leave you one day, first recognize that your thoughts may be irrational, and then seek to entertain healthier ones. If you have strong reasons to believe your partner is cheating on you, then don't obsess about it -- ask him. If he says he's not cheating and you have no proof or red flags to support your suspicions, then it's time to move on. If these thoughts arise again, remind yourself that you've already resolved this issue with your partner and redirect your thinking to something more pleasant, such as good things about your relationship. You don't have to succumb to negative thinking -- you can simply observe negative thoughts as they arise, acknowledge them and make a conscious choice to think of something that is more beneficial to you.

Seek Professional Help
If you find that your fear of abandonment is severe -- causing you serious distress in romantic relationships -- then you might benefit from seeking professional help. Therapy can assist you in a number of ways, including helping you identify the source of your fears, allowing you to see how fear of abandonment shows up in your patterns of behavior and offering viable solutions for managing this common fear. Sometimes simply talking to someone about thoughts and feelings that are deeply buried can provide you a release that enables you to think more clearly and make better relationship choices. Therapy is a useful tool that can assist you in letting go of your fear of abandonment permanently.

by K. Nola Mokeyane

Detachment & Inner Bonding

You must detach from anything in your life that you cannot control. You must detach from anything in your life that is not contributing to your highest good. This is loving yourself. ~ J. Ryan

I have come to a new place in my life. A new place of power, of self love and self efficacy. Not only have I learned the hard way to love myself, but I'm learning to let love in... The real kind of love, not the needy, dependent, love of the false self. It's difficult to discern the difference, but I am learning. Every day I learn more what true love is, of myself and of another.

THE KEY TO DETACHMENT IS TO FOCUS ON YOU. ~ J. Ryan

One of the lessons I've learned is that of DETACHMENT. This has taken a while to grasp. Detaching from externals, those things outside of myself that would control my very existence. I'm learning to detach and let go of things that are outside of me, and replace that outer, external detachment with inner bonding. Detaching outside, Bonding inside.

I had to do this VERY consciously at first. In so many ways, I feel like a manual stick shift sometimes, feeling my way through every gear, grinding terribly, jerking and spitting out smoke. As I persevere and continue to follow the pathway to healing that's unfolding in my heart, I become more adept, and suddenly living and loving me becomes spontaneous, like a natural reflex--automatic.

Detachment. What does this mean? This means to detach from the psychological comforts that used to hold me up. Fantasy, neediness, need for approval, need for external validation, pretending, falling in love with the way things are "supposed" to be. Controlling outcomes, if only in my imagination. I always had my go-to attachments, whether that was a man or a friend, or an addiction of some sort. I had to learn to consciously let go of external attachments. In order to love myself, I had to learn to attach to me, and to face me, instead of seeking comfort outside of myself.

It started in the places I find comfort, dreaming of love, of bliss, of things just as I wanted them to be... Instead of allowing myself to resort to the fantasy, which would inevitably lead to a great fall and thud with my heart splattered on the ground, I had to be an adult and reign in the strong desire to run into a fantasy of a perfect scenario. I had to become comfortable with the truth. Perhaps the fantasy would never come... Perhaps I would be left with just me. I had to come to the place where just being me was okay, just being me was enough.

So, instead of pretending that things would work--like I always did as a child growing up in an abusive home--I had to face that things may or may not work, and either way it didn't matter because what truly matters is me, and that I stay present with myself. Instead of dreaming, I learned to focus on myself. It was very difficult at first, but oh-so-soothing, once I got used to it.

When I wanted to focus outside, I forced myself gently to focus inside, on me. I took the eyes of my soul and turned them inward. If I was trying to run to a fantasy of perfection, an idealization of control of others opinions of me, I chose to stop and focus on me, my wants and my needs. Each time I did this, I became stronger and stronger. In a very short time, I conditioned my brain to stay with me. Not to run away to some external thing, but to embrace the needs that I had within.

This is very personal, but for your sake, I will share, and because this is one of the most profound exercises I've ever done that brought me to the place I am today...

I would say to myself...

• What do YOU need right now?
• What can I do for YOU?
• How are YOU feeling right now?
• Why are you so interested in this dream of perfection?
• What are you hiding from or running from inside YOURSELF?
• What need are you covering up with this dream state?
• What can YOU do to feel more complete and whole?
• Would YOU like to get up and clean your closet, car or home?
• How can I be a blessing to YOU right now?
• What can YOU do to better YOUR life today?

I found that when we think we need something outside ourselves, the truth is, nothing can ever fill the need. The need is inside and can only be filled by our own attention and affection focused on self. When you feel the pull of your heart toward fantasy and control and an idealized that may or may not become reality, I've found that it is actually a need, but that it cannot be filled externally.

It's like we learned to abandon ourselves early-on. Our brains are conditioned to dump our own hearts in the dumpster as we run after another to stop the pain and soothe the ache. Well, I found that it is only when we meet our own need will we be of any value to anyone else. It is only by meeting our own needs, by being present for our own selves, by letting go of externals, and by embracing internals, that we can function the way we're supposed to function in life. It's hard work!

It gets easier. I've learned to ask myself several times a day, "What do you need?" I've also learned to take care of myself. Little things, like food, water, rest, companionship, prayer, exercise... These things DO MATTER. Every little detail about YOU matters. That's what people who truly love know, that's the secret to truly loving. You must listen and attend to your every detail.

If you are attending to your own needs and taking care of your own self, you will become so busy that you will no longer have time for external attachments. It's not that you don't bond. It's just that through walking out this process, you learn to gracefully bond and let go without feeling as though you might fall into a pit of despair.

Your life is supposed to be about YOU meeting your own needs, about you finding creative ways to get the job of meeting your needs done through trial and error. You must not only listen to your own heart, but also take the risk of asking, requesting and sometimes demanding. Sometimes you won't get what you need, but that's okay. When you truly love yourself, you will no longer take it personally.

Focus on you.
You are the precious one you're searching for.
Everything you want, everything you hope for
is found within you.
Let go of the outside distractions,
go inward and focus on yourself.
This is loving! This is loving!
Loving is not approval, loving is attention.
You must start with embracing you.

Detachment. A powerful tool I use every day with greater ease.

Lord bless you on your journey.

If You Don't Love Yourself

So true... Take a good look at what you're chasing, longing for, or wanting... What we're seeking in another is something that we're missing inside. If you want someone who doesn't treat you right, then something in you is askew... You're wounded. If you're going after someone who has hurt you, then you're abandoning yourself. It's harmful to your soul, like touching a hot stove and not removing your hand. Love must come from within. Love from another enhances your life... it does not fill a gaping hole. Only you, with God can mend the brokenness. If someone breaks your heart, go to the place that is broken. Meet yourself there. Tap into your inner flow... Stop giving to the outer source that wastes you. Keep the riches for you, and for those who treat you well. Jenna Ryan

Jenna Ryan

5 Strong Boundaries for Personal Relationships

I was inspired to write this article by Natalie Lue over at Baggage Reclaim. I was also inspired by my own personal experiences as I grow from weakness to strength in my relationships with others more and more each day. One of the benefits of learning to love yourself manually is that you can see the process backwards and record your steps for others to follow if they wish to know how you got to where you are. That's what I'm doing here. In learning to love myself, I've implemented these 5 Strong Boundaries for Personal Relationships.


1. I will not wait for anyone. 

I made up my mind on this one a few years ago. I decided that I would no longer pine or dwell on someone who wasn't there for me in a way that I needed them to be. The moment someone shows me that they cannot be what I need, I've learned to DETACH and LET GO immediately. This doesn't mean that I am rude or unforgiving, but, it does mean that I no longer hang on to hope and allow leakage of my emotional reserves on someone who is not reciprocating in kind.

I've learned the hard  way that waiting on another person to "come to their senses" and give me what I need is counterproductive. You will never get what you want by trying to get it from someone who is not giving it to you. This activity is futile and it is a form of "Repetition Compulsion." Perhaps you're trying to win love of someone who never fully loved you as a child, or perhaps you still have unmet needs left over from childhood that need to be addressed. Either way, it's better to face the original source of the issue instead of projecting it onto a third party and trying to get love that ain't there. It's akin to barking up the wrong tree...

2. I will not maintain an unequal relationship.

I've made a commitment to myself to remove myself from all unequal relationships. Before I started the recovery and healing process of learning how to love myself, I was involved in myriad relationships that were unhealthy and toxic. Perhaps these people are capable of healthy relationships, but based on my lack of boundaries, their interaction with me was toxic. Other people I was involved with were simply selfish and incapable of ever treating me with the respect I deserve. On all accounts, I removed myself from the relationships which I could not maintain equality, or did not feel 100% respected, honored and appreciated.

A relationship is give-and-take. Friendships and dating relationships involve two people who are free to be themselves without hiding, shame or fear. A healthy relationship involves two people who take turns being there for one another, and who respect what each has to say without putting expectations on one another's feelings. A healthy relationship gives both parties room and freedom to express your respective realities without judgment.

If you don't have the freedom to be you and enjoy the mutuality of the friendship, then you do not have a friendship to begin with... You are operating from a one-down position, as if the other person's needs are more important than yours. I've learned to steer clear of these types of people, no matter how badly it hurts. I know I am valuable and I would rather go without a friend than to have a pretend friend who doesn't listen to me, hear me or respect me.

3. I will not idealize any other person.

It is easy to fall into the trap of idealizing others, especially when you're working on becoming a more secure person yourself. Idealizing another person is the process of infusing them with the fantasy of who you want them to be, who you need them to be... When you idealize others, you put them up on a pedestal. You think they are higher than you, above you, greater-than, more desirable and more worthy than you. This is what idealization is all about. It is pure fantasy because the truth is that we are all inherently worthy.

Here's another thought about why we idealize people when we're struggling with our own insecurities and/or low self-esteem... Idealizing another person is the process of projecting the good qualities in yourself onto someone else and gauging your worth and value on whether the idealized person accepts you or not. See how messed up this is? We cannot see our own goodness because we have a core belief that we are inherently flawed or worthless. Instead of owning our own goodness, we project it out onto another person. We then give THAT PERSON our power by giving that person the ability to make us feel elated (if they accept us) or worthless (if they reject us).

Either way, this is not true love and it's not healthy for anyone involved. It's not reality to idealize another person. We are all equal. If you have breath, you are inherently worthy. Only when you can function as an equal can you enjoy healthy, mutually rewarding relationships.

4. I will operate from my truth to the best of my ability at all times. 

It is important that we not contort our true and spontaneous responses (moderately) in order to be appropriate or to be correct, or to fit into the mold of someones expectations. If you have difficulty with maintaining high levels of self esteem, you may have a tendency to try to gain approval from outside sources. This means that everything you say, do, think or feel in your human interactions do is judged and mulled-over in real time as to the acceptability of said expression of your reality.

When I was a child, I went through some pretty rough discipline from my step father. As adult, there was residue of this in my day-to-day interactions with others. Just like I tried to please my step father, and tried to refrain from stepping on his toes, I found myself doing this as an adult too. I've had to teach myself to be who I am in all circumstances, without fear of rejection or disapproval. I have the right to be me and express how I feel and who I am (moderately) at all times, regardless of whether it is "right" or not.

5. I will assert myself against disrespect. 

It is disrespectful to continually text another person or reach out to someone via text, email or chat without trying to connect with that person in a more real and tangible way. This is especially true for dating relationships. If a guy does nothing but text me all the time, then I am not going to be available for that. I deserve more than that and so do you.

Disrespect comes in a variety of forms. People in your life will disrespect you if they feel that you will tolerate it. Even the sweetest people in the world will treat you like crap if you're too weak or too clueless to realize what's happening.

People who disrespect you may give excuses for their behavior, ie lack of time, work, family. Don't buy it. You are worthy of respect.

When you are disrespected, you feel it. You may feel victimized. Whenever I feel disrespected in any way, the moment I catch it, I've made it a habit to speak up assertively and express my reality to the person who is harming me. In some cases, it will do no good to speak up or set a boundary so your only option is to withdraw from the relationship. Other times, however, you assert yourself by demanding respect and the other party will actually end up respecting you. This is my preferred outcome. It's best to set boundaries and to be respected than to walk away, but sometimes walking away is the best option for justice to your soul.

There you have it. My personal boundaries for personal relationships. These are essential for maintaining your integrity and positioning yourself to be able to give and receive within a healthy relationship. What about you? Do you have issues with any of these boundaries? How so? Have you overcome these things in your own life? If so, I'd like to hear from you. Leave me a comment in the comment section below.

Talk to ya soon!

Jenna Ryan

100 Ways to Love Yourself

1. Take time to be by yourself.
2. Schedule time just for you. 
3. Journal your thoughts.
4. Let go of mental stress. 
5. Take an inventory of the quality of your relationships.
6. Try something new. 
7. Express your emotions to someone safe.
8. Forgive someone you need to.
9. Stand up to your inner-critic. 
10. Stand up for yourself. 
11. Learn to set better boundaries. 
12. Delight in your daily duties that usually frustrate you.
13. Organize your life.
14. Reverse negative thoughts.
15. Resolve old issues. 
16. Get out of debt.
17. Read a book on CBT techniques. 
18. Turn off the news.  
19. Write down positive affirmations.
20. Create a quiet, private space in your home. 
21. Take a day off just for you.
22. Buy a new outfit. 
23. Write down how you feel. 
24. Learn NLP strategies for living a better life.
25. Remain open to new experiences.
26. Don't buy anything with credit cards.
27. Save money.
28. Require that people respect you.
29. Find a mentor.  
30. Take vitamins.
31. Make a new friend. 
32. Write a prayer of gratitude.
33. Find the wonder in your soul.
34. Read a book on a personal topic of interests you. 
35. Listen to the voice in your heart.
36. Respond to the voice in your heart.
37. Heed the voice in your heart.
38. Cook dinner for a friend.
39. Give yourself what you want.
40. Laugh like a child.
41. Set a goal for self-improvement.
42. Work-out.
43. Cook healthy meals for yourself.
44. Get your nails done. 
45. Drink hot tea.
46. Take a hot bath.
47. Paint your bathroom, bedroom or closet. 
48. Make your space comfortable.
49. Get your car detailed.
50. Take care of all the little extra errands in your way.
51. Ask a new friend to lunch. 
52. Create a special playlist for melancholy days.
53. Create a new playlist for cardio.
54. Try a new workout regimine. 
55. Book a vacation with your lover, friends or by yourself. 
56. Spend time in nature.
57. Go for a long, slow walk and observe the world around you.
58. Try yoga.
59. Get in touch with your inner-child.
60. Play.
61. Do artwork.
62. Make a clay statue. 
63. Organize your accessories belts, scarves, ties, earrings, cufflinks. necklaces.
64. Clean that spot in your home you've been avoiding. 
65. Make up your own recipe.
66. Think of something small you thought you couldn't do, then do it. 
67. Cook a steak on the grill.
68. Eat fruits and vegetables.
69. Take a class.
70. Expand your mind.
71. Read books. 
72. Get new photos done. 
73. Make new recipes in your juicer.
74. Ask someone for help.
75. Focus on the good within your heart.
76. Focus on the good within others. 
77. Notice how far you've come. 
78. Embrace daily chores with wonder and enthusiasm. 
79. Let go of the past. 
80. Improve your talent. 
81. Write your life story. 
82. Start a blog. 
83. Give your worry to God. 
84. Stretch
85. Run
86. Lift weights
87. Sit in the sauna
88. Get a massage.
89. Focus on yourself. 
90. Think about what you need (in all areas).
91. Notice how your feeling.
92. Practice mindfulness.
93. Pray
94. Meditate
95. Practice emotional detachment. 
96. Untie whatever chokes your life. 
97. Pull away from unhealthy relationships.
98. Say no.
99. Refuse to feel guilty.
100. Accept your feelings, both good and bad.

Exercise Your Options - Les Brown

Exercise your options! There are certain things and certain people that you don’t have to deal with. You allow yourself to deal with them when you really don’t have to. At the end of the day, we have the power of choice. But many times, we give it away by not creating the boundaries that allow us to take care of ourselves. We allow ourselves to be stressed out by people who create unnecessary drama or headaches when we have the power to ignore the behavior and say "I don’t have to deal with this or with you...this is optional."

It may be friends, a spouse or significant other, co-workers, family members including children, or people who act out in negative ways. Remember to exercise your options. Don't get stressed out, and don't rent space in your mind to crazy, rude, or demanding people. Decide what is optional, necessary, or mandatory in your life. You deserve! ~ Les Brown