YOU Are What You Need

As a child you may have been ignored. Perhaps your parents loved you with all their hearts, but they didn't know how to honor your heart... to notice your nuance of feeling, to grasp the meaning of your sighs, or the warmth of your smile. Maybe they were too busy with the emptiness of their own. Disconnected from themselves, parents pass it onto their offspring.

Children grow up learning to abandon their true selves, to run after alternative sources of pleasure, trying to fill a hole that is there because they're trying to fill the hole that is already filled--but they don't know it. They don't know who they are, or how valuable they are, or how not to be empty... They don't know because they were never properly introduced--to their own self.

The emptiness begs to be filled, but the emptiness is not emptiness at all. The emptiness is merely the misunderstanding of who you are... of why you are here, and what all these tools (feelings) are for.

Once you face the emptiness, you can see that it's not so empty after all. That in fact, there is fullness there, and that fullness is you. Your truth. Take time to find yourself there, in the emptiness and pain. For it is in the silence, in the space that you're hiding from, that you will find the beautiful entity called YOU.

You are waiting. Waiting to be heard, seen and recognized by none other than YOU. This is what you ache for. This is what you long for. It has been said that you cannot love another until you love yourself. This is true! You can't fill the empty space, because it's already filled with you. Stop running, trying, striving and longing to fill what's already full. Take the time to acknowledge, to realize and to see the beautiful creation that you are, and always have been.

Get to know yourself and learn to heed your own heart cries. There is no one outside who can be for you what you're supposed to be for yourself. Only you can recognize, stand-up and own your power, your right to exist. Face your emptiness. It has some wisdom to show you, for in the midst of the silence, there is this wonderful person. Don't be afraid of who you are. Come to life and expand...

Turn on the lights,  discover and acknowledge the delight of beingness that you are.

What You Feel is What You Are

Feelings are shunned in the world today. A person who shares his or her feelings is considered "weak" or "emotional." It seems that we've been conditioned to believe that feelings are a bad, and stuffing our feelings is a sign of strength. Anger especially is an emotion that is thwarted, especially in women. The fact is that anger is a signal to help know when you're being treated wrongly. Emotions are not bad; your feelings and emotions are the very life force inside of you that tells you who you are. Your feelings give you direction.

Your feelings are your gut. Your essence. Your life force. Your feelings are tools for helping you to negotiate life. Physiologically, feelings are energy that trigger your brain to release hormones for helping you first of all, survive, and then to thrive and achieve your life's pursuits.

If someone has a problem with the way you share your feelings, then they may have a problem with getting close and being intimate. They could have a personality disorder that causes them to see others are tools for their own use, rather than individuals with their own feelings, wants, needs and desires. If someone tells you that you are too "emotional," beware. That person likely wants to control you to be whatever he or she needs you to be, whether that is what you really are or not. You owe it to yourself to be true to yourself--no matter who agrees.

"There is nothing you can learn, nothing that can heal you more than your being what you are.” Jetsunma Ahkon Lhamo

You Are a Treasure

You are a treasure. You may not realize this now. You may know this in your mind, but not feel it in your heart. You may think you know it, but you really don't know it. You may feel it in your heart, but not realize it in your mind. You may think you should know it, but you don't really know it. You may know it some times, but not all the time. You may know it in some ways, but not all ways. You may be afraid to admit you don't know it, but whatever the case, YOU ARE A TREASURE.

Inside of you is a treasure that is more precious than silver and gold. You are a prized soul to your creator. You are worthy and valuable. You are appropriate to life. You are created for such a time as this. You are not here by accident. You are not a burden. You deserve to be here. You are an asset to the planet. Like gold in a vault, so are you in the heart of creation.

You may be thinking that I'm crazy, or maybe that I can't see the real you that you hide beneath your masks. You may be thinking that you're the one exception to the rule, that when it comes to you, you are a mistake. Worthless, useless, one who needs to hide and cover, one who needs to put on gold clothes to pretend that you belong among the others you treasure.

This is because your vision is skewed. You're mind has been twisted by so many things. So many incidents in your life have taught you to look elsewhere for your worth and value. You've been conditioned to believe that what you have on the inside of you is to be ignored, abandoned and trashed like garbage. Ha! What a mistake this has been!

It's like your precious treasure, the gold value that you are, has been covered, smothered and buried deep beneath a heap of lies, misunderstandings, abuses, pain, hurt and mistakes. It's like a wall of rotting rubbish stands in the way of your heart's vision. Your perception of yourself is skewed by what you're not. You can't see who you truly are because of all the stuff that's in the way.
If you want to see who you really are, if you want to realize the value of your truth, then you must clear the way to your true self. You must follow the treasure map to your very own heart... You must remove the trash, layer by layer, until your truth is revealed.
This is not easy, but it's so worth it. It is also much easier than living a life of feeling worthless when you deserve so much more. This process will require you to face a lot of lies. Some of the lies will require that you stop blaming yourself for things other people have taught you. Some of the lies require that you see others for who they really are, instead of idealizing them and internalizing their shame. Some of the lies will be very painful to face, but in the end, you can never be happy living on a lie.
Blame
You must have courage to see the truth of who you really are. You must also fight for yourself. You must make a pact with yourself that you will choose to honor and respect your truth no matter who gets hurt in the process. You must choose to stop protecting other people at your own expense. You must redirect blame upon those who deserve it, and free yourself from your own recriminations.
Feelings & Needs
After that, you must get in touch with your own feelings and needs. You must disown feelings that other people told you that you should have. You must learn to recognize the cry of your own heart, learn to express your truth as it happens for you. You must learn to face the pain in your heart and to release pent-up emotions so that you can heal.
Re-Parenting
You must also learn to be the protector of your own self. The keeper of your own truth. You must locate within your heart the "Wise Parent" who knows what is best for you, and who can act on your behalf. You will also need to be sensitive to the wounded child inside your heart who is still very much alive. You will need to comfort your inner-child as any good parent would.
Boundaries
Then, you will need to set boundaries around your identity. You will need to be firm with others who try to steamroll over you. You will need to respect yourself enough to stand up to ANYONE who dares belittle or diminish you. You must be willing to walk away from mistreatment and disrespect at any time. You must protect yourself like a good parent would.
Growth
Then, once you find your treasure, your truth, no matter how far down it is buried, you must help to foster your own growth and development. You must give yourself freedom to explore, discover and become who you really are. You must take time to unfold, like a flower in the springtime--savoring every moment of your own true beauty.

Reprogram
You must also reprogram your mind with positive affirmations, positive self affirmations that are true, as well as visualize who you want to become. You will need to get out of your comfort zone to create new neural pathways that reflect the truth of your new found self. You will need to take risks, and continue to actualize yourself into the individual that you are. You are valuable treasure underneath it all.
If you don't know the treasure you are, then you must find it for yourself beneath the layers of all you've been taught. You must go to the source, the source of your own heart to find out the truth of who you are, and why you deserve your own admiration. This will require bravery. This will require energy. This will require time. It will require that you face painful truths and revisit the hurtful scenarios of your past. It may make people around you uncomfortable. It may require you to remove yourself from relationships that are no longer serving you. It will be a journey that you will never forget.

You may think you'll never find the treasure at the end of the map, but don't give up. Each step you take closer to your truth will release more of your true self into your life which is more strength for your journey. Good luck my friend. My hope is that you will search and find the treasure that you truly are.

Are You a Doormat?

Are you a DOORMAT? Let's hope not! I'll admit, I used to have doormat-like tendencies before I started my healing and recovery journey. Today, I can say, I am learning how NOT to be a doormat in every area of my life.

A doormat is a tool; a rug that we use on the front door of our homes to keep dirty shoes from traipsing mud onto our floors. We don't think about the doormat, we just walk on it, leaving our dirt all over it.

People are also called doormats. These are the folks that everyone takes advantage of. They can't say no, and they do everything asked of them. It's obvious to people who are not doormats that people who are doormats think they're worthless.

The doormat wrongly assumes that it is more attractive to give up her rights. She thinks that people will like her more if she ignores her own needs and meets the needs of others instead. She has the whole thing backwards. The truth is that when she gives up her own needs to please others, she may gain their approval, but she loses their respect. Not only do her needs go unmet, but she is disrespected and exploited by those around her.

The basic thought process of a doormat is this:

"I am not worthy to be on this planet. Everyone else is more valuable than me. I am not in touch with my own needs, therefore I don't know exactly what I need and I cannot express my needs directly. This makes me give other people whatever they want so somehow they will miraculously guess what I need. If others do not guess what I need, I get upset and feel victimized, and I lash out indirectly with manipulative tactics. As a doormat, I get to play the victim. This makes me feel like the good guy while everyone else (who are above me) are the wicked villains."

1. A doormat thinks he is below everyone else on earth.
2. A doormat believes she is always in the wrong somehow.
3. A doormat apologizes a lot.
4. A doormat gets walked-on by others.
5. A doormat expects to be treated poorly.
6. A doormat is a victim.
7. A doormat enjoys whining to others about upsets.
8. A doormat takes comfort in sharing pain with others.
9. A doormat feels that life is unfair.
10. A doormat feels he has no control over circumstances.
11. A doormat needs approval from others because she doesn't approve of herself.
12. A doormat wants people to feel sorry for her.
13. A doormat sucks the life out of people around him.
14. A doormat does not want to take responsibility for her own life.
15. A doormat gets secondary benefit from his low position.
16. A doormat does not own her own power.
17. A doormat is grateful for any show of approval from others.
18. A doormat won't take up for herself because she's afraid of being rejected.
19. A doormat gets taken advantage of by others.
20. A doormat doesn't want to grow up and own his own power.
21. A doormat spends time complaining to others about the unfairness of others.
22. A doormat gets her power by making others feel guilty.
23. A doormat tries to get his needs met indirectly through manipulation.
24. A doormat is afraid to confront people in her life.
25. A doormat feels she is not worthy of protecting herself.
26. A doormat wants other people to guess what he needs.
27. A doormat feels mistreated on a daily basis.
28. A doormat uses manipulative tactics to get her needs met like withdrawal and silent treatment.
29. A doormat lets people have their way at his own expense and then resents it later.
30. A doormat gets his sense of being okay from the approval of others.
31. A doormat does not tell another person what he or she is truly feeling.
32. A doormat avoids confrontation.
33. A doormat spends a lot of time saying, "woe is me."
34. A doormat does not have any boundaries.
35. A doormat does not respect the boundaries of others.
36. A doormat is just as bad as a tyrant, just on the opposite end of the spectrum.
37. A doormat thinks he is being a bigger person by putting himself below others.
38. A doormat thinks that it is noble to be lower than others.
39. A doormat doesn't realize that to ignore herself, is to ruin the balance of relationships.
40. A doormat doesn't realize that to ignore himself, is to ignore the needs of others.
41. A doormat ignores his or her own needs.

The mindset of a doormat is that of a victim. The doormat says, "poor me, look what everyone is doing to me," when in truth, the doormat is doing it to himself. It is our job as individuals to take responsibility for our own self. We are in charge of our own life. It is not noble or good to take care of the needs of others while ignoring our own. As I've mentioned before, it is impossible to love others if we do not love ourselves. We must stand-up and take responsibility for our own lives FIRST.

How Not to Be a Doormat

If you are a doormat presently, or if you're waking up from being a doormat, you are probably interested in ways to stop it immediately. I can tell you, transitioning from a doormat to an equal human being with value and worth on planet earth is not easy, but you can do it. A doormat can't do it, but the capable person that you truly are--you can get up off the floor and stand-up for yourself.

1. Make a decision to stand-up for yourself.
2. Figure out what your needs are in any given situation.
3. Express your needs directly without fearing the consequences.
4. Be prepared to walk out of any situation where you are being disrespected.
5. Set firm boundaries with others as to what you will tolerate.
6. Stop whining and complaining to others about what people are "doing to you."
7. Choose your own side in any argument.
8. Stop apologizing for how you feel or what you need.
9. Start approving of yourself.
10. Detach from the need of other people's approval. 

How to Tell If You're a Doormat

It is sometimes difficult to look at our own behavior objectively. Here is a list of ways that may indicate that you're being a doormat in your life.

1. You feel like others are taking advantage of you.
2. You are unsure of what you need in a given relationship.
3. You are afraid to speak your mind about how you feel.
4. You talk badly about others you feel have wronged you in some way.
5. You do things you don't want to do then resent it later.
6. You allow other people to disrespect you.
7. You maintain friendships with people you secretly don't like.
8. You "keep the peace" instead of speaking your mind.
9. You walk on eggshells around others.
10. You let another person tell you how you think or feel.

If you find that you're being a doormat in your life, it's time to STAND UP and SHAKE OFF THE DIRT! Make a change now. You deserve it. Don't let another minute of your life go by as a diminished person--because that's what you are if you're not living your truth, speaking your mind and taking up for yourself by getting your own needs met in a healthy way. Such a person is not whole, but rather half--depending on others to make them okay. Not a pleasant way to live.

Making the Transition

When you transition from doormat to a Person of Self-Respect, you will experience friction in your life. People may have liked you the way that you were--of course! You were meeting their needs while ignoring your own. People may not like the idea of meeting your needs, and they may put up a fight. This is your opportunity to pick your own side. This is your chance to show your own self that you mean business and that you are going to stand up for yourself and your needs over and above anyone else. News Flash! THIS IS YOUR JOB. You owe it to yourself to express your needs. You have a right in relationship to expect at least some of your needs to be met.
You have to make demands of life. People won't come up to you all the time asking you what your needs are and ask how they can meet them. Not at all. If you don't speak up, somebody will. Ask yourself if you spend more time getting your own needs met, or meeting the needs of others. This process should be balanced. There should be equal give and take in your relationships, or what you have is not really a relationship at all.

Stand up for yourself. It's your job to keep yourself from being walked over.

No Shortcuts

It's Okay to Feel Sorry for Yourself

Before I went through my breakthrough healing, I thought it was wrong to feel sorry for myself. I even wrote an article about it. People ought to suck-it-up, be strong. No room for self pity! This is the consensus of the day...

Forget the past and move on...

Stuff your feelings...

Pretend it doesn't matter...

Self Pity is Self Nurture

Well, I was wrong... Now I know the truth. There is not a feeling in the world that you should deny yourself. Feelings are your controls, when properly calibrated. All feelings need to be felt and processed, or else--you'll have to deal with them later.

Emotions don't just go away...

Emotions are energy-in-motion. If the energy from your emotions is not released at its origin, it gets locked in your mind and causes trouble later in some other form. This is what happens when you lash out at the mail lady for getting dirt on your envelope, or yell at your kids for whispering too loud when you're having one of your "episodes." Little life events trigger this pent-up energy that you've denied or repressed. You explode for no reason and think you're whack... having no idea why you overreact at times...

You Deserve Your Own Compassion

If we are to love ourselves as we love our neighbors, don't we deserve the same compassion that we give to our neighbor? I'm not asking for more... just equal, please. So often we give, give, give to everyone but ourselves. We're conditioned to abandon our own hearts, our own needs.

Who's idea is it that feeling sorry for yourself is bad? What does it mean to pity yourself? It means that you are experiencing sadness and pain. If you're hurting, regardless of the reason, you deserve the honor and the space to feel how you feel. It doesn't matter who likes it. You need your love, compassion, pity, sympathy, care, concern, kindness just as much as anyone else.

It is no sin to hurt. Hurting is the natural response to being rejected, neglected, abandoned, abused or in some way wronged. Hurt is not weakness, it is instinctual. We can't help that we're feeling hurt. Our feelings are the signals of our heart that tell us what's going on inside. When we feel a sense of self-pity, it means we feel we have been wronged and we need to pay attention, not suck-it-up.

Who benefits if you choose not to pity yourself when your heart is aching? Certainly not you! Self pity is nurturing. The only ones who benefit from you acting happy when you're not are those who don't want to deal with you. And to them I say, "Tough Titties!"
 
If someone is uncomfortable with your feelings, and tempts you to pretend to be something other than your real self... just so they don't have to see you in pain, or deal with your needs, and you allow this to happen, then you are adding to your own injury.

I was taught not to "feel sorry" for myself. To laugh when I felt like crying, to smile when I felt like dying, to pretend like everything was okay when it was not. It was convenient for those around me, but devastating to my soul. All this emotion was trapped for years until I finally got the courage to face the commotion. 

Give yourself the room, the space and the respect to feel how you feel whenever you feel it--and express it appropriately. Honor your feelings and grieve your unmet needs (self pity) so you're not holding onto it like a stinky bag of rotten trash.

If you don't do it for you, no one else will.

What are your thoughts??? Has anyone ever told you not to pity yourself? How did it make you feel? 

Do You Love Yourself? How Can You Tell

I am very fond of this gentleman's work on YouTube. His videos are very clear and factual. I find them to be very helpful to me. Let me know what you think...