This is a subtle form of ignoring that can be considered covert ignoring. The type of covert ignoring I'm talking about is when someone is talking to you, but not engaging you. This is when a person is not listening to you and not allowing your presence to exist in the conversation.
This can also be called "ear banging."
A conversation that is one sided is not a conversation at all. A conversation is between two people. A pseudo conversation is a conversation where there is only one person who matters. The other parties to the interaction serve merely as audience members.
They only talk about themselves.
This type of person will only talk about themselves in a conversation. If you happen to get a word into the conversation, they will deflect and direct the conversation back to themselves. This may occur with narcissists, but it also may occur with codependent people who are needy and don't have the relationship skills to listen or be interested in what the other person has to say. This type of person has a great need to prove themselves, and will often brag about themselves endlessly. This type of person thinks that what they have to say is paramount, and pays little attention to what you have to say.
Does not ask follow-up questions.
This is so uncomfortable! This is so covert, and may be hard to detect, until you've gotten the gist of what is happening. Someone who is ignoring you to your face does not carry on any of your own personal trains of thought. When you try to contribute to the conversation, they will divert the conversation back to their own self-interest. They can talk for 10 minutes straight about themselves, with you supporting them, asking questions, validating their views, etc... but then when you say one thing about yourself, you will hear nothing but silence. It's as though these people cannot see you, even though you've been talking to them and listening to them, your contributions are left unseen.
Controls the conversation.
Some people control the conversation completely. They have trained you in the past that you can only speak with them about certain topics, topics which are acceptable to them. Anything you say that is outside of their realm of "acceptability" is immediately rebuked and fizzled out. You learn to passively stay away from anything true about yourself that does not fit in with their accepted version of you. You lose your truth by being who they require you to be instead of being who you truly are.
Attacking your statements.
A person who is ignoring you in a pseudo conversation will attack your statements if you try to grab some of the floor time. Let's say they've been talking about their current life situation for the past several minutes, and then you bring up a topic about yourself. The person who is ignoring you during the conversation will attack whatever it is you have to say about yourself in attempt to get you to stop bringing yourself up. This person cannot bare your presence. They must have the floor at all times. They attempt to tear you down in a conversation so that you will learn and be trained to stay silent, and simply mirror their reflection throughout all conversations. They want you to hide your own statements about your identity. They want you to look at them as all-knowing, all-good and all-important.
Affirms personal negativity.
Some covert narcissists will only give you feedback if you are speaking negatively or showing weakness about your true self, your life, your experiences. This is a way of conditioning you to submit to their control. Share all your weaknesses with this person if you want to be seen or heard. When you are in this type of dangerous relationship, you will be ignored when you share your truth, but attended to when you share your hurt and pain. People who attend only to your hurt and pain are sadists and should be avoided at all costs.
Do not settle for pseudo conversations or pseudo relationships where you are ignored. This may not seem to hurt you on first glance, but if you stay in these types of interpersonal transactions, it may zap you of your self esteem. Your self worth is inherent; but your self esteem is volatile. Your self esteem goes up or down depending on how you allow yourself to be treated. It's vital that you esteem yourself highly so that you steer clear of conversations that are fake and one-sided.
We must stay away from people who refuse to hear us! There are many people in the world who are kind, empathetic, skilled and capable of allowing us to be who we truly are without trying to put us down by ignoring us. There are people out there who will listen to us. There are people out there who are capable of a two-way, authentic conversation. You will not get your needs met by talking to people who are ignoring you. You owe it to yourself to surround yourself with people who are capable of seeing you, being present with you, are there for you and are truly loving. You need others to make room for you--don't settle for anything less.
Stay Out of Conversations with People Who...
- Talks only about themselves.
- Brags about themselves for long stretches of time.
- Cuts you off when you bring something up about yourself.
- Diverts conversation back to themselves.
- Encourages you to speak only when you say something negative or weak about yourself.
- You can only get a word in when you are affirming them.
- You feel like an audience to their life replay.
- Downplay your good news.
Seek Out Conversations with People Who...
- Asking follow-up questions and listening to your answer.
- Talk about themselves, then listen to your reply and allow you to share about yourself.
- Talk back and forth with you.
- Allow for equal air time.
- Listen to your concerns.
- Seem genuine.
- Are happy for your success.
- Track your life occurrences that you share.
- Remember details that you have shared.
- Validate you.
- Mirror your at the same level you mirror them.
People who are not engaging with you in an equal manner are ignoring you. The reason they are ignoring you is because they think they are more important than you, and they don't think that you have the right to exist. They have no room in their mind for you, and thus cannot relate with you in a functional way.
One Way vs. Two Way Conversations
A one-way conversation is the type of conversation you have with a client. When you have a client, you are being paid to serve them. You listen to what they have to say without interjecting your own life experiences in order to give them what they've paid for--whether it be selling them a car, or coaching them on life. A client is paying you for your time, so listening to them in a one-way manner makes sense.
A two-way conversation is one where payment is made between the two people engaged in the conversation. As a part of the unspoken deal, when you are speaking with a functional person, your time, presence, affirmation is returned during the conversation itself (or among other conversations). Sometimes you may focus more on them, sometimes they may listen more to you--but at the end of the day, both parties are represented equally overall.
Don't Settle for Being Ignored
It is a core dependency need that each person has starting in childhood to be heard. It is vital that every person be heard and be seen and feel as though their thoughts, feelings, ideas and perceptions matter. When you are ignored as a child, you begin to feel invisible.
You learn to accept being ignored in childhood. If your needs were ignored, if your authentic truth was ignored, then you will tolerate people who ignore you when you are an adult. You will not learn to have a "say" in relationships. The truth is, some people are incapable of relating with you; all they know is how to bulldoze you. They do not know how to intricately open space for you to be present, for you to express your truth, and for you to get your needs met.
This means you may settle for people who cannot properly meet your adult needs in today's relationships. This is something you need to work on--to reprogram yourself and reparent yourself by listening to your need to be heard, and steering clear of relationships and conversations in which you are ignored--EVEN WHEN YOU ARE SITTING IN THAT PERSON'S PRESENCE.
Don't settle for that conversation!
Get up from the table when respect is not being served!
Go find people who have a seat for you!
Learn to be your true self around accepting others!
You deserve to be heard.
Much love,
Jenna
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