100 Things Intimacy is Not

Have you ever asked yourself, WHAT IS INTIMACY? If so, you're smart because intimacy is one of the most precious, evolved experiences known to man. It's the most connected kind of love you can have, and something that we humans are hardwired to seek. Unfortunately, many of us are ill equipped to be truly intimate and real with one another. There is so much baggage that's been passed down to today's human race. So much mental illness, abuse, false beliefs and other crap--few get the benefit of true intimacy. 

In exploring the concept of intimacy, I've decided to start with all the things we try to pretend are intimacy, but which are no where near true connection. In fact, this list contains many maladaptive behaviors that push intimacy and true love away--far away. 

Take a look at this list and see if any of these issues plague your life, and if it does, take all the time in the world to fix it. True intimacy is worth all the work you have to do on yourself to get there. Happy Loving!


1. Intimacy is not an interaction based on power and control.
2. Intimacy is not between two relationally unequal people.
3. Intimacy is not dictating how the other person should think, feel or be.
4. Intimacy is not manipulating someone to pay attention to you.
5. Intimacy is not playing games.
6. Intimacy is not one-sided.
7. Intimacy is not conditional love.
8. Intimacy is not judgmental.
9. Intimacy is not an ego boost.
10. Intimacy is not an attempt to prove your worth with another person's acceptance.
11. Intimacy is not painful.
12. Intimacy is not trying to please another person by morphing into someone else.
13. Intimacy is not silence, withholding or withdrawing.
14. Intimacy is not demanding your own way.
15. Intimacy is not pleasing a person at all costs.
16. Intimacy is not fusion.
17. Intimacy is not alienation.
18. Intimacy is not going along with what the other person wants at all times.
19. Intimacy is not punishing another for not doing what you want. 
20. Intimacy is not afraid of closeness.
21. Intimacy is not found in those who cannot love themselves.
22. Intimacy is not a reason to hide your true self.
23. Intimacy is not perfectionism. 
24. Intimacy is not possible when you're giving into shame.
25. Intimacy is not objectification of another person. 
26. Intimacy is not a trophy wife.
27. Intimacy is not narcissistic.
28. Intimacy is not a crutch.
29. Intimacy is not enabling a person to remain in their addictions. 
30. Intimacy is not lying and conniving. 
31. Intimacy is not running away.
32. Intimacy is not exploitation. 
33. Intimacy is not all or nothing. 
34. Intimacy is not fear of rejection.
35. Intimacy is not invalidation.
36. Intimacy is not refusing to meet half way.
37. Intimacy is not rejection.
38. Intimacy is not demanding the other person to change. 
39. Intimacy is not fixing one another. 
40. Intimacy is not jealousy.
41. Intimacy is not found in multiple affairs.
42. Intimacy is not deception.
43. Intimacy is not pornography.
44. Intimacy is not lust. 
45. Intimacy is not obsession.
46. Intimacy is not addiction.
47. Intimacy is not infatuation.
48. Intimacy is not turning your back on the other. 
49. Intimacy is not expecting one person to meet all your needs.
50. Intimacy is not where you expect someone to be your whole world.
51. Intimacy is not where you expect someone to be responsible for your truth.
52. Intimacy is not a rescue mission. 
53. Intimacy is not selfishness.
54. Intimacy is not rigid.
55. Intimacy is not a free-for-all.
56. Intimacy is not disrespectful.
57. Intimacy is not a demand or requirement on another. 
58. Intimacy is not afraid to apologize. 
59. Intimacy is not being worried about who is right.
60. Intimacy is not ignoring hurts. 
61. Intimacy is not about acting one way when you feel another.
62. Intimacy is not about emotional explosions. 
63. Intimacy is not about image. 
64. Intimacy is not about dependency.
65. Intimacy is not something you will die without. 
66. Intimacy is not romantic love, though romantic love can certainly be involved.
67. Intimacy is not sex, though sex can increase intimacy. 
68. Intimacy is not walking out on a fight. 
69. Intimacy is not hiding your true feelings. 
70. Intimacy is not meeting the dependency needs of your childhood.
71. Intimacy is not treating the other as less than. 
72. Intimacy is not name calling and abusing. 
73. Intimacy is not triggered from your unconscious. 
74. Intimacy is not a list of rules and dogma.
75. Intimacy is not pretending to be someone you're not. 
76. Intimacy is not accepting inappropriate behavior in the other.
77. Intimacy is not about hiding from the truth.
78. Intimacy is not anxious and waiting for the other shoe to fly off.
79. Intimacy is not insecurity.
80. Intimacy is not longing.
81. Intimacy is not confusing. 
82. Intimacy is not impatient.
83. Intimacy is not ego based. 
84. Intimacy is not something you can force.
85. Intimacy is not found in most relationships. 
86. Intimacy is not critical of one another.
87. Intimacy is not distrustful.
88. Intimacy is not afraid to let another in.
89. Intimacy is not stagnant. 
90. Intimacy is not two people with one body.
91. Intimacy is not between two lonely people.
92. Intimacy is not automatic. 
93. Intimacy is not engulfment.
94. Intimacy is not your fantasy.
95. Intimacy is not fear of abandonment.
96. Intimacy is not built up resentments.
97. Intimacy is not projections. 
98. Intimacy is not ego-defenses. 
99. Intimacy is not the approval of the other.
100. Intimacy is not being thin or rich or good-looking enough for love.

(c) Jenna Ryan 2014


100 Things That Intimacy Is