Thursday, May 29, 2014

Your True Self Knows the Truth

Your True Self knows who you are. Your True Self knows your value, that you're connected with the Source of all creation. Your True Self knows that you are Love at the core of your being. This attitude of worthlessness is merely your False Self that you erected as a psychological defense to childhood abuse and neglect. 

This false self saved your ass and kept you sane as a child, but as an adult, it is no longer healthy. You've got to break through this barrier of lies, pain, false beliefs and get down to the wound, heal the wound through your presence and then your mind will untwist and you'll see your true essence on the other side. 

Monday, May 26, 2014

Healthy Fear

Everyone talks about overcoming fear. But we also need to allow ourselves to fear when appropriate. Some people and relationships need to be feared. Fear is a helpful instinct. Don't allow yourself to gloss over the facts. If someone is abusive to you even a little, be afraid. Panic. Freak out. Go bonkers. Run! Connect with the warning system in your heart. Get permanently away from those who cause you pain. Get out before the damage is done. Connect with your healthy fear... Protect yourself from harmful relationships. Take care of you. ❤

Saturday, May 24, 2014

Invalidation

INVALIDATION is the root of codependency. Our true selves, our personal truth was not validated... If we want to heal we must REPARENT ourselves by validating ourselves instead of repeating the abuse that we received while our hearts were innocent and vulnerable... http://eqi.org/invalid.htm

Love this article by Darlene at Emerging from Broken on Self Validation for Emotional Healing from Abuse


This article contains my research on Invalidation

"Invalidation is to reject, ignore, mock, tease, judge, or diminish someone's feelings. It is an attempt to control how they feel and for how long they feel it."

Constant invalidation may be one of the most significant reasons a person with high innate emotional intelligence suffers from unmet emotional needs later in life.(1) A sensitive child who is repeatedly invalidated becomes confused and begins to distrust his own emotions. He fails to develop confidence in and healthy use of his emotional brain-- one of nature's most basic survival tools. To adapt to this unhealthy and dysfunctional environment, the working relationship between his thoughts and feelings becomes twisted. His emotional responses, emotional management, and emotional development will likely be seriously, and perhaps permanently, impaired. The emotional processes which worked for him as a child may begin to work against him as an adult. 


All invalidation is a form of psychological attack. When we are attacked, our survival instinct tells us to defend ourselves either through withdrawal or counter-attack. Repeated withdrawal, though, tends to decrease our self-confidence and lead to a sense of powerlessness and depression. On the other hand, going on the offensive often escalates the conflict or puts us in the position of trying to change another person. 

One sign of both high self-esteem and high EQ is the absence of either of these defensive responses. A healthier response, one which is both informative and assertive, without being aggressive, is to simply express your feelings clearly and concisely. For example, you might respond, "I feel invalidated," "I feel mocked," or "I feel judged."
How the other person responds to your emotional honesty will depend upon, and be indicative of:
(a) how much they respect you
(b) how much they care about you and your feelings
(c) how insecure and defensive they are
(d) how much they are trying to change or control you
All of this is information which will help you make decisions which are in your best interest.

Recent research by Thomas R. Lynch, Ph.D. of Duke University supports the idea that invalidation leads to mental health problems. He writes "...a history of emotion invalidation (i.e., a history of childhood psychological abuse and parental punishment, minimization, and distress in response to negative emotion) was significantly associated with emotion inhibition (i.e., ambivalence over emotional expression, thought suppression, and avoidant stress responses). Further, emotion inhibition significantly predicted psychological distress, including depression and anxiety symptoms.) (Reference)

We regularly invalidate others because we ourselves were, and are often invalidated, so it has become habitual. Below are a few of the many ways we are invalidated:
  • We are told we shouldn't feel the way we feel
  • We are dictated not to feel the way we feel
  • We are told we are too sensitive, too "dramatic"
  • We are ignored
  • We are judged
  • We are led to believe there is something wrong with us for feeling how we feel

Examples of invalidating expressions. -- Each is an attempt to talk you out of your feelings.

"Ordering" You to Feel Differently
Smile.
Be happy.
Cheer up
Lighten up.
Get over it.
Grow up
Get a life
Don't cry.
Don't worry.
Don't be sad.
Stop whining
Stop laughing..
Don't get angry
Deal with it.
Give it a rest.
Forget about it.
Stop complaining.
Don't be so dramatic.
Don't be so sensitive.
Stop being so emotional.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself (
Source)
Stop taking everything so personally


Ordering You to "Look" Differently
Don't look so sad.
Don't look so smug.
Don't look so down.
Don't look like that.
Don't make that face.
Don't look so serious.
Don't look so proud of yourself.
Don't look so pleased with yourself.



Denying Your Perception, Defending
You've got it all wrong.
But of course I respect you.
But I do listen to you.
That is ridiculous (nonsense, totally absurd, etc.)
I was only kidding.
That's not the way things are.
That's not how things are.
I honestly don't judge you as much as you think.
It's not going to happen

Trying to Make You Feel Guilty While Invalidating You
I tried to help you..
At least I .....
At least you....
You are making everyone else miserable. (
Source)

Trying to Isolate You
You are the only one who feels that way.
It doesn't bother anyone else, why should it bother you?


Minimizing Your Feelings
You must be kidding.
You can't be serious.
It can't be that bad.
Your life can't be that bad.
You are just ... (being difficult; being dramatic, in a bad mood, tired, etc)
It's nothing to get upset over.
It's not worth getting that upset over.
There's nothing wrong with you. (
Source)


Using Reason
There is no reason to get upset.
You are not being rational.
But it doesn't make any sense to feel that way.
Let's look at the facts.
Let's stick to the facts.
But if you really think about it....


Telling You How You "Should" Feel or Act
You should be excited.
You should be thrilled.
You should feel guilty.
You should feel thankful that...
You should be happy that ....
You should be glad that ...
You should just drop it.
You shouldn't worry so much.
You shouldn't let it bother you.
You should just forget about it.
You should feel ashamed of yourself.
You shouldn't wear your heart out on your sleeve.
You shouldn't say that about your father.


Defending The Other Person
Maybe they were just having a bad day.
I am sure she didn't mean it like that.
You just took it wrong.
I am sure she means well.


Negating, Denial & Confusion
Now you know that isn't true.
You don't mean that. You know you love your baby brother.
You don't really mean that. You are just ... (in a bad mood today, tired, cranky)


Sarcasm and Mocking
Oh, you poor thing. Did I hurt your little feelings?
What did you think? The world was created to serve you?
What happened to you? Did you get out of the wrong side of bed again?


Laying Guilt Trips
Don't you ever think of anyone but yourself?
What about my feelings?!
Have you ever stopped to consider my feelings?


Philosophizing Or Clich├ęs
Time heals all wounds.
Every cloud has a silver lining.
Life is full of pain and pleasure.
In time you will understand this.
When you are older you will understand
You are just going through a phase.
Everything has its reasons.
Everything is just the way it is supposed to be.


Talking about you when you can hear it
She is impossible to talk to.
You can't say anything to her.


Showing Intolerance
This is getting really old.
This is getting really pathetic.
I am sick of hearing about it.
A person with well-developed emotional intelligence, a healthy set of emotional skills, empathy, and a healthy self-esteem will rarely invalidate another person's feelings, especially not the feelings of a sensitive child.
___

Validating / Invalidating  - Great article

"One disqualifies oneself when one is afraid to say what one really feels and means for fear that others will reject it.  Hence disqualifiers say things in a way that allows them “plausible deniability.” They can claim they were misinterpreted if the other family members object." 


They accomplish this through wide range of deviant communicational phenomena, “…such as self-contradictions, inconsistencies, subject switches, tangentializations, incomplete sentences, misunderstandings, obscure style or mannerisms of speech, the literal interpretation of metaphor and the metaphorical interpretation of literal remarks, etc." (p. 76).
___
 
Linehan (1993a) investigates 'invalidating environments' and relates them to self injury.
"An invalidating environment is one in which communication of private experiences is met by erratic, inappropriate, or extreme responses. In other words, the expression of private experiences is not validated; instead it is often punished and/or trivialized. The experience of painful emotions disregarded. The individual's interpretations of her own behavior, including the experience of the intents and motivations of the behavior, are dismissed..."

"When your awareness rises, you'll begin to notice such comments on a regular basis. Together, they take their toll on us. We wonder if there is something wrong with us for feeling how we do. It seems fair to say that with enough invalidation, one person can figuratively, if not literally, drive another person crazy. This is especially possible, I believe, in the case where one person has long-term power over another. Examples of such relationships are parent/child, teacher/child, "spiritual" leader/follower, boss/employee, spouse A/spouse B. Such a sad scenario appears to be even more likely when the person being invalidated is highly sensitive, intelligent and has previously suffered self-esteem damage."

Addressing Invalidation with CBT

Friday, May 23, 2014

SelfLoveU Facebook Group Re-Opening

Hi Everyone,

As you may know, I've been on hiatus from the Facebook Group for SelfLoveU for a while. My goal was to start my real estate practice, begin generating enough income, then to return to writing about healing, recovery and self love. Well, that time has come. Business is good, and I have time to devote to healing and helping others realize the value of who they are. So excited!!!

If you are interested in the topic of Self Love, I highly recommend joining my Facebook Group:

Join Self Love U Facebook Group


You can also get great Self Love content by joining our Facebook Fan Page:

https://www.facebook.com/pages/Self-Love-U/503718206325615

Behind the Mirror (Poem)

Here is a poem I wrote in November 2012, about the time I was waking up and realizing that I had no idea who I was, and no idea how I felt, and no idea what I needed. This is when I was coming out of the FOG, and I realized that everything I believed to be truth for me was actually not me, but the whims of others including parents, society, church, etc...

The Mirror

Mirror on the wall
tell me who I am
the answer to my question
is held in my reflection.
helps, but not the same.

I can’t feel me,
but I see me
Where is the map
to the image you reflect?

I am not there.
What I see is not me.
Mirrors and lights refract
like a prism in the air

try to hold it,
but I’m not there.
tell me who I am
tell me what you see

Am I here?
Do I exist?

I need a map to me.

Thursday, May 22, 2014

The Fake Giver

Just when you think you've figured life out, whap! You get slapped up-side the face with a new one--least that's how my life seems to be... I've learned that there is yet another type of person in the world who will trip you up on your way to your life of bliss, and that is THE FAKE GIVER.

The Fake Giver is one who pretends to be a giver, much like the malignant narcissist who flatters during the idealization stage. The Fake Giver pretends to be on your side, like they care about you, like they have empathy, like they have mounds of generosity in their soul, only to grab everything back like a stingy miser once they have you fooled.

The Fake Giver hooks you with the pretense that they care about you. If you're a giver like me, you are prey to people who will use and abuse you using covert tactics where they dangle the carrot of promised return in front of your face. Unfortunately, the return never comes and if you're naive to these types, you may end up with a negative balance of your own self esteem and removed from the path towards your highest good.

The hook is the way The Fake Giver pretends, fawns over you, offers you a ride, likes one of your photos on Facebook, sends you flowers, helps you move, calls every day... These actions are trust points that weaken your defenses and leave you open as easy prey for the unscrupulous pretenders out there.

Just being generous is not enough to prove one to be a Fake Giver. It's hard to decipher who is real and who has an agenda to steal your mojo.
  • Overly enamored with you early on in relationship - If it's too good to be true, it usually is.
  • Gives and then pulls back - This is intermittent reinforcement. 
  • Says things to get you to fall in love with them.
  • Gives you products to entice you to purchase something.
  • Pretends to be your friend, but has secret agenda.
  • Makes offers to make themselves look good, while knowing that you would never accept.
  • Buys you gifts or does selfless things for you without your reciprocation. (won't last)
Intermittent reinforcement is a powerful manipulative tactic that is used by The Fake Giver to gain control over his or her victim. They give, give, withdraw, give, withdraw, withdraw, withdraw, give, withdraw. This process makes engaging with them more like a slot machine in Las Vegas than a human to human interaction. You never know what you're going to get. It's human nature to "protest" or turn toward those who turn away, especially when you're in a close relationship. That's how our attachment system is wired. This is the starting point of addiction--addiction to takers and other toxic types.

The Fake Giver uses your love, kindness, compassion, empathy and neediness against you. He or she hooks you with intermittent reinforcement and other manipulative techniques. Before you know it, you find yourself obsessed with gaining the attention of one of these selfish weasels. Learn to recognize the Fake Giver. Start by confronting the lies during the emotional abuse grooming process (early on) to prevent being taken off track.

Confronting the Liars In Your Life

One of the most pivotal processes in recovery from codependency, narcissistic abuse, childhood trauma, depression or mental illness is to confront the lies in your life. Through therapy I learned that many things I believed about myself and others were untrue. It was only after I discovered the truth for myself that I was able to see things clearly. The truth is the healing balm for whatever ails your soul, this is true.

Today I want to discuss confronting lies on a more granular level. Confronting the liars around you. Confronting the lies that other people tell you. Most of the people who read my work are people who are hurting, who have been abused, used, harmed and hurt their whole lives. We are on a journey to recovery, a journey to finding ourselves... 

In the process of finding ourselves, we must discover who we are not. We must also analyze the intricate interactions of our lives to figure out where and how we are deviating from our own personal truth. Believing the lies of others, or going along with lies without question damages your integrity, leaves you open for exploitation and takes you off your path to your Highest Good.

Personally, I've been screwed over by liars and manipulative people. I've been abused, exploited and harmed repeatedly. Why? It's because of the child abuse I endured from age 0-7 years. I was not taught to protect myself against unscrupulous blood suckers. In fact, I was trained to PLEASE these vampires instead. Talk about inside/out, upside/down. It has taken me a long time to sort out the ways I make myself vulnerable to those who wish me no good.


How do Lies harm you?
Why do you believe the Lies?

What is a Lie?

A lie is a falsehood (the opposite of truth) that someone else uses in order to get something from you without you knowing it. A lie is NEVER GOOD. Any time you recognize that someone is lying to you, it is YOUR RESPONSIBILITY to call them out so as to protect the integrity of your True Self.

Types of Lies

Lying is diverse. A lie can be anything...
  • A promise to do something...
  • Flattering you...
  • Leaving out important facts...
  • Telling you things that are not true about themselves...
  • Faking empathy, compassion, care or concern...
  • Alluding to the potential of meeting your needs...
  • Making up stories...
  • Being 2-faced...
  • Sharing untruths about feelings...
  • Saying they don't remember (selective memory)...
  • Promising never to do it again...
  • Not telling you who they were with...
  • Leading you to believe they are one way when they are not...
 A lie is deception... yet, I've noticed a little nuance in my interactions with others... It seems that I tolerate and welcome lies from other people without question.

I was always taught not to confront others. As a child, I was taught that everyone else was right and I was wrong, which left no room for a lesson in assertiveness and confrontation when appropriate. Today, I noticed recently, that I tend to "go along with" lies that others tell me without stopping, trusting my truth and confronting the liar directly. Well, that's all about to change.

Healing and growth comes in spurts; for me, I've had to build myself up from utter demolition. Sometimes it takes granular work like this to lay hold of your personal truth and stand guard over it like a mother with her cubs. I am my own responsibility.

People will lie to you as long as you let them. If you don't confront another in their lies, their lies will continue. Some people don't play fair. They're all about power and control. People who are kind, compassionate, empathetic and naive falsely assume everyone is like they are... they can't fathom lying to gain advantage, so the thought that someone else would do it never crosses their minds. If you're a good person, you may not see what hits you--that's why good people like us need strong boundaries and assertive confrontation skills to keep our spirits from being thwarted by the lying serpents in our midst.

Not confronting a liar in your life can lead to DIRE CONSEQUENCES. Looking back on all the times I've been hurt by narcissists, emotional blackmailers and takers, I can see it all started with a series of lies. Had I taken a stand and confronted these people upfront, I would not have been so easily veered off the path of my personal truth.

Lies are meant to capture your attention and energies that should be moving toward your HIGHEST GOOD, and draw them for the sole benefit of the liar himself/herself. Lies are used because they work. It is relatively easy to tell a needy person everything he/she wants to hear and get them to forget who they are, where they're going and why they're here. If you want to protect yourself from abuse in the future, it's crucial that you start standing up to EVERY LIE you encounter. You cannot operate from your truth if you allow yourself to be corrupted by lies.

Who Lies to you?

Anyone can lie to you, in fact, I bet you can find lies all around you if you pay close attention. Get yourself a journal and start recording the lies you encounter from others day-to-day. Lies come from everywhere--especially if you never confront those who lie to you...
  • Children
  • Spouse
  • Clerk at Store
  • Date 
  • Parents
  • Siblings
  • Best Friend
  • Boyfriend/Girlfriend
  • Neighbor
  • Therapist
  • Television
  • Government
  • Media 
  • Church
  • Cults 
You name it! People all around you may potentially lie to you or tell you something that has the potential to alter your behavior in their favor, all the while not intending to follow-through, or expecting you to require them to.  In the civil and criminal courts, this is Fraud.

I'm not trying to turn you against your loved-ones, I'm just trying to get you to confront any and all lies in your life because going along with those who lie to you is like living your Life in the False Lane (definitely a good title for an article).

Why Confront a Liar? 

Confronting a liar is a mental boundary that will help you to stay centered in your truth instead of lead astray from your highest good... If someone lies to you, that person is trying to put one over on you. It may be your child. This doesn't mean they are evil, it means they need to be confronted. You cannot allow people to lie to you no matter how difficult it is to confront the bullshit.

How to Confront a Liar

Liars come in all shapes and sizes. Not all liars are slithering serpents that Adam and Eve discovered in Eden. Some liars are your cuddle partners, your fiance and even your best friend! How do you confront these "little white lies" and omissions in your life? Here's a list of tips:
  • Listen to what other people are telling you. 
  • Clarify the statement when someone tells you they'll be doing something for you.
  • Request confirmation of promises and facts.
  • Ask questions around the lie (this lets them know you're not gonna fall for it). 
  • Listen to your inner voice when it tells you not to believe what another is saying. 
Whatever you do, don't gloss over a lie and pretend you didn't notice it. These lies you gloss over form a giant clump from which you can be foisted from your self protective stance. A lot of lies can eventually topple you over completely. People can lie their way into your life, your bank accounts, your marriage and your bedroom. Put a stop to it as the keeper of your own soul. No more lies!

Why worry about the feelings of someone who is lying to you??? We must be much more concerned about the victim to the abusive lies, and that person is YOU. You are valuable and you deserve to be told the truth and you're not falling for bullshit lies.
  • You're not trying to sell me anything? Hmmm... Are you sure you're telling me the truth?
  • You're not going to Hawaii next month? Why did you tell me that you were?
  • If I join this group I will make a lot of money? How much money? Is there a chance I won't?
  • You didn't mean to allow your dog to bite me? Wow. This is a new habit your dog just learned?
  • How much do they love you at work? Are you really a shareholder?
People who will lie to you are people who want something from you. Anytime you're considering a new relationship, or new transition, be on the lookout for liars. Liars prey on the needy--strong, independent people are not likely to fall for the lies of the liar. Only people who are weak and feel insecure about confronting lies will end up victims of exploitation from everywhere around them.

Start watching for lies, confronting lies and setting boundaries accordingly. Do not tolerate lies. Do not stay with someone who continues to lie and violates your boundaries. Stick with the truth so YOUR TRUTH can flourish and outshine on every lie.


How to Find Your Core Truth

Group Member asked: "I still don't know what my truth is though. How do you get in touch with your core truth? One 'truth' to me is just as true and another 'truth'. This is where I am stuck in my recovery."
My Answer:
Your core truth is the core of who you are. It is that part of you that no one can ever take away. Your truth is beneath your wounds, your false beliefs, your codependency, your symptoms. It is the truth of who you are, connected with the source of life, your higher power. Your truth is all knowing. Inside your heart you hold the answers to everything you need to function. Your core truth is pure love, pure joy, pure bliss.

This truth can be hidden, but it cannot be destroyed. This is the hope of recovery, to find this truth buried on the inside of you, beneath the pain, the maladaption, the addictions and mental illness. The goal of healing is to find this truth in all its forms and manifestations and to live from it, rather than attaching to outside sources or from your wounded layers. 

Those of us who suffer from codependency have not been taught to access our truth. We were taught to hide our truth, that our truth is nonexistent, that our cognitions and view of reality is wrong. We were invalidated. We were taught to mistrust ourselves and to give our power over to our caretakers (who were likely taught the same faulty way).

You can find your truth by being aware that you have a truth, and trusting that you do have truth inside of you. Your True Self. You may need a therapist to help you figure this part out, that is, how you feel, what you believe and whether your feelings are based in now or are pent-up emotions that are frozen inside.

When I did this process, that of unfolding my true self, it was one of the most magical part of my healing. I could literally picture my true self buried in the treasure chest of my heart, beneath the pain, anger, hurt and confusion. I pictured the real me banging on the sides of the box that held me down. I imagined myself unfolding and coming to life... which means, expressing and feeling my authentic truth for the first time.

It is an ongoing endeavor to locate your truth when you've gone through the things we've gone through. I learn new parts of myself every day that I never realized I had. Your truth holds things that you need to function appropriately in all facets of life. When you release bits of your truth from the captivity of hiding, suddenly you find that you're able to function in areas that you never could before.

As you go beyond your initial awakening and move into proper functioning you encounter lots of bleeps along the way. I now know that any issues or difficulties I'm having stems from my disconnection from my own truth. Lately I'm learning (through mindfulness) to listen to the voice inside myself. Not only to listen, but to HEED, validate and honor my gut instincts.

Learn to Know to Your Truth

Deviating from your truth even for a millisecond can have dire consequences for your life. Your intuition, your gut, your truth, your voice... the one that may be muzzled, or silenced-- this is a voice you must learn to listen to. You must learn to heed what you feel at the core of who you are. Deviate from this truth, and you will end up lost, hurt, and in pain. Your truth will never lead you the wrong way. It always protects, always knows what it needs, always loves , if you will stay tuned in to your truth you will find clarity. Learn to recognize the voice of you inside. Learn to heed your own voice. Not the wounded voice of desperation, but the voice of wisdom and truth. That voice will lead you out and help you recover.

Monday, May 12, 2014

Fear of Abandonment

Loving Yourself and fear of abandonment do not mix. A person who loves themselves does not fear being abandoned. If you have a fear of abandonment, it means you do not love yourself. The two are mutually exclusive. If you panic at the thought of being rejected and abandoned by the one you love, and it causes you to cling and create a fantasy-bond, then you can be sure that you and your relationship are headed off a cliff.

When a child is wounded through neglect or abuse, his boundaries are violated. This sets the child up for fears of being either abandoned or engulfed. When he has a sense of self-value and self confidence, he doesn't fear being abandoned. 

- John Bradshaw, "Homecoming"

No one can love you if you fear they'll leave you. Love is the absence of fear. Love casts out fear. Love ebbs and it flows. The tide comes in and the tide goes. You can't be afraid of the natural order of life... Learn to let go.

You have to face your fear of abandonment, go with it to the pit, see that it won't kill you to be abandoned. You will rise again. You're like the Terminator. Abandonment won't kill you--but the fear of it will destroy your relationships and self esteem.

Breathe deep & stand firm. Hold yourself when you're afraid. Remember you're not a fragmented part, you are a whole person with a whole life ahead of you. You may have been abandoned as a child, but that can never happen again. You're an adult and you can take care of yourself. The only one who can abandon you now is you.

Great article on healing the abandonment core wound: The Spirit of Ma'at - Abandonment Abyss.

Wednesday, May 7, 2014

Trust Life and Let Go

So much of it has to do with lack of trust in life. It's like I used to feel I had to cling onto what I had because I'd never get another chance at love--but this is catastrophic thinking. I had to learn to breathe deep and trust life. There is no other way because the truth is... Love is right around the corner. In fact YOU ARE LOVE. You can trust life. You can trust God. You can trust the Universe. You can let go. You can detach. You survive on your own. You can stand on your own two feet without falling. So you want love, then love will come, no worries, but you have to learn to let go first. Learning to love is about letting go and trusting that it will come back to you. Loving yourself enough to tolerate limbo through self soothing... Enjoying now instead of clamoring for yesterday. Have faith that you'll get another chance-and another--and another--and another... We get to fall down a million times if needed to learn how to love, how to connect and how to relate. There is always another chance so long as we're breathing. "Life is a balance of holding on and letting go." And there is a net underneath us that catches us gracefully each time we fall. So let go, let yourself fall...fall...fall...allow yourself to feel the pain of falling without holding onto the sides (or onto your man or woman). Just let go and experience that which you fear and you will find that at the very bottom, all the way down, down, down... that YOU are there at the bottom and you will pick yourself back up. Let go, fall, trust, rise again knowing that you're strong enough to fall without clinging. You can detach. You can tolerate what's there. And there is always another chance.

Monday, May 5, 2014

Are You Invisible?

Are you invisible? Being invisible is when you don't know who you are, you don't know how you feel, and you don't know what's real. An invisible person has no true, defined identity, he or she has no inkling of their human rights or how to assert those rights in relationships...If this is you, I know how you feel. It is a very painful way to live. Not only are you invisible to others, most importantly, you are invisible to yourself. Whatever it takes you must find yourself--find your truth. You are beautiful. You are love. You are light.

Some of us were conditioned to become invisible so as not to be rejected... to make our presence (which we perceive to be a burden) easier on those around us. We think that we will die if we aren't accepted and therefore we hide our true selves to stay alive. It's literally a matter of life and death for a child to be accepted. If a child is not loved, the child will die--that means any measure must be taken to get love, even an ounce of it, to keep growing up. We sacrifice our existence so as not to lose the love of others. That child never really grows up, but stays inside, stays invisible, hiding the truth of who we are from anyone who may not approve and may not love us. What we don't realize, and what we have to teach our inner child is that WE WILL NOT DIE. We are big people now and we have the resources we need to take care of ourselves in the event we are rejected. We have the power we need to speak our minds and live our truth--we must only realize this.

Becoming invisible is also a way to manipulate people to love you. It's not noble as it may seem on first glance. It's actually manipulation. It says, "I know you won't like who I really am so I'm going to pretend to be someone I'm not so that you'll like me." Eventually you'll get tired of the charade and lash out in anger. It's inevitable. You're not really invisible, you're just pretending to be invisible to manipulate others into accepting that which you do not accept yourself: YOU.

Becoming a person is an inside job. You have what it takes to come to life, to live your truth and to express yourself without shame and without holding back. Start practicing today. Say no more often to what you don't want, express your truth, don't go along with others just to make them happy. Learn to listen to your heart and be who you really are. It's worth it!!!  

Saturday, May 3, 2014

The Silent Treatment

The Silent Treatment is a form of ignoring that people do to manipulate others into giving them what they want or doing what they want. It is a covert form of psychological and emotional abuse that is passive aggressive and leaves no mess for the perpetrator. When a person uses the Silent Treatment on you, it causes you to lose your self esteem.  If you find yourself reaching out to a friend, lover, parent, boss or anyone who ignores you or who withdraws from you chronically, you may be experiencing the abuse of the Silent Treatment.  

Silence pleads innocence whether it's innocent or not. It's easy for the abuser to deny any wrong doing or to make up excuses as to why they've gotten quiet. The Silent Treatment: When People Leave You Guessing.

This form of emotional abuse has the ability to humiliate and confuse the victim. "It is used most effectively by those in close relationship, such as a spouse, parent, or child. The silence, the loss of verbal relationship, is meant to exact an emotional toll on the other person, who often will go to great lengths to attempt to restore communication with the abuser."

The Silent Treatment is a Harmful Way to Get What You Want



This is an excerpt from "Types of Emotional Child Abuse" from "The Invisible Scar.com"

How emotionally abusive parents tear at the child’s sense of self varies. Here are some examples of the different types of emotional child abuse.

Giving the silent treatment.
“No discussion of emotional abuse through words would be complete without including the absence of words as a form of abuse. This is commonly known as the “silent treatment.” Abusers punish their victims by refusing to speak to them or even acknowledge their presence. Through silence, the abusers loudly communicate their displeasure, anger, frustration, or disappointment.” (Dr. Gregory Jantz, “Portrait of an Emotional Abuser: The Silent Treatment Abuser” article)
The abusive parent will withhold attention and affection until the child caves in and apologizes for whatever the abuser perceived as a slight or insult. Through a series of silent treatments, the abused child will learn to be silent, to be docile, to never speak against the parent—because if the child does, he will not be loved or spoken to or even acknowledged as a human being.
 

How to Set A Boundary With Someone Who Ignores You

It stinks to be ignored. There are some people who just don't care about you enough to reach out and show you that you matter. Perhaps reaching out, answering your texts, calling back or being normal is too much for that person?
  • Maybe they like the way you fret over whether or not they're calling. 
  • Maybe they don't want to hear from you.
  • Maybe they don't care to hear from you.
  • Maybe they are focused on themselves. 
  • Maybe they enjoy the attention they get when you're so concerned about their level of mutuality. 
  • Maybe they revel in the way you become anxious to hear from them... 
  • Maybe they like the way you are so eager to hear from them when they finally answer their phone.
  • Maybe they use withdrawal as a way to control you through intermittent reinforcement.
  • Maybe they don't have time for you or the relationship.
  • Maybe they feel threatened by the good stuff that's happening in your life.
  • Maybe they are angry with you and trying to punish you.
Ignoring or the "Silent Treatment" is a form of psychological manipulation that is used to gain power and control. A person who ignores you repeatedly when you reach out in kindness is someone who...
  • Does not respect you.
  • Is trying to manipulate you.
  • Wants to control you.
  • Is exploiting you.
  • Does not care about your feelings.
  • Is pulling a power play.
  • Doesn't want to be vulnerable.
  • Wants to keep the upper hand.  
  • Is selfish.
  • Does not feel the same way about you as you do about them.
  • Does not care about your relationship.
  • Would eventually throw you away if you didn't step-up to communicate again.
  • Is sending a powerful message about your worth directly to your self esteem (unconsciously).
  • Wants to keep you one-down while they stay one-up.
  • Wants you to be their fawn.
  • Wants to keep you like a pet, or a puppet on a string. 
So what do you do when you're in a relationship with someone, or you have deep feelings for someone, or are friends with someone who ignores you? How do you set a boundary?

1. Do not question yourself. If you feel that someone is ignoring you, approach them calmly and moderately. Let them know that what they are doing is causing you to feel uncomfortable, or find out what the situation is to cause the person to be non-responsive. Call them on it directly.

"Jen, when I text you and you don't return my text or phone call, it makes me feel like our relationship is not important to you. Is there something I've done to cause you to withdraw from me? If so, let me know."

You can read other articles about how to set a boundary. Just Google it. The point I am making is that it is your RIGHT and your DUTY to protect yourself from offenses of commission AND offenses of omission. It is your right to be respected at all times. It is not right for anyone to invalidate you by dissing your phone calls, or responding to you intermittently. If this is happening to you, recognize it and put up a boundary for yourself and the other party letting them know that such behavior is not acceptable.

When someone ignores you, they are not meeting your needs. You have the need to be respected, recognized and to be appreciated. Whenever someone plays this game, they are denying you the right to get your needs met, not matter how much you've done for them. 

Being ignored is the ultimate diss. They say the opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference. When someone doesn't take the time to respond to you, even if just to say, "I'm sorry, I'm busy right now. Will get back with you in a few days," it sends a silent message to your soul. If you're not aware of it, you might take that message in, since we are social creatures. It's important that you stick up for yourself and protect yourself from such messages. You don't deserve to be ignored. How hard is it to send a text?

Fill your life with people who understand and value high-integrity in relationships. No matter who it is that uses the silent treatment on you, set-limits and walk away if necessary. You are too precious to ignore.

Eckhart Tolle: Addiction

"Every addiction arises from an unconscious refusal to face and move through your own pain. Every addiction starts with pain and ends with pain. Whatever the substance you are addicted to - alcohol, food, legal or illegal drugs, or a person - you are using something or somebody to cover up your pain."

- Eckhart Tolle

Michael Traveler: Hero

“Hero”

Little by Little ...
I'm finding out the truth behind your lies.
Little by Little ...
I'm finding out the secret in your eyes.
The fog clears a little each day.
Another sign revealed along the way.
One more mirror is broken.
One more illusion is gone.
And little by little,
I'm finding out the truth behind your lies.
Little by Little ...
I'm finding out what a twisted web you weave.
Little by Little ...
I'm finding out how cleverly you deceive.
Each step convinces me too.
Another clue discovered in plain view.
The Power to stand on my own.
The Power I had all along.
And little by little,
I'm finding out the truth behind your lies.
You had me so long ago.
I thought I was nothing without you.
I was yours to control,
a puppet on your string,
dancing your tune.
But now I finally see
the Strength there is in me.
Yes, little by little,
I'm finding out the truth you left untold.
I'm finding out how much you have deceived.
I'm finding out the hero that lives in me.

~ poem "Hero" by Michael Traveler, author of MIRACLE ROAD

Friday, May 2, 2014

Kat Zaghi: Love Yourself First


If you can understand that you can NEVER make EVERYONE happy and not everyone will like you, accept you, or understand you-then you will save yourself a lot of time and effort trying to tip-toe around other peoples' expectations to please them by changing who you are to fit a molded image of who you think you should be.

This is simply a compromise and disrespect to self in order to feel accepted by others. If in your foundation of who you are, you accept everything about yourself-the good and the flaws, then you won't need the validation and acceptance of others to make you feel worthy, and there will be no need to hide any part of yourself because the judgments of others will have less power.

Also remember that as you achieve greatness, there will be people who will not want to see you succeed and rise and there is nothing you can do to control how people think of you, unless if you want to diminish your own greatness and stop shining. You can relieve yourself now, and let go of trying to control how others will perceive you.

If you know who you are, then what others think won't matter. Fully express and be proud of who you are today. Be comfortable under your own skin. We will never be perfect, and if you can just accept that, then you have already attained a level of freedom of 'just being.'

 -Kat Zaghi  

On Competition...

Competition does not exist, it is an illusion of the ego; it is a reflection of a lack within. You already have all you need within you, and there is enough room for everyone to succeed. If you feel the need to prove yourself or compete to feel alive, you are only validating not being good enough.

The only true approval that exists is the one you have for yourself, and true success emerges from the illumination of your authentic and unique creative expression of your truth. It is your thumbprint in this life- it cannot be copied or competed with, it is your one of a kind essence manifesting into form.

-Kat Zaghi

Be Happy Where You Are...

If you keep projecting where you should be in life you will never be happy with who you are now, and this can be a never ending cycle no matter how much you attain. It is important to congratulate yourself for the steps you have taken that has brought you to this moment in order to easily get to your next steps. 
 
Remember that at some level where you are now was once a goal of your past, so enjoy it and move forward with self-appreciation and gratitude. This attitude is what will effortlessly take you to the next level of living your dreams. Become motivated to move forward not from a place of lack but rather from abundance (what you have now) to a greater abundance.
-Kat Zaghi