Saturday, September 28, 2013

Worthiness Comes from Authentic Being


The only place worthiness can ever take place is within your own inner being, regardless of the conditions outside of you. We never have control of conditions outside ourselves. We only ever have control of our own beingness, and how that beingness is manifesting itself through us. (Melanie's words)

Any time you are acting in a way that is non-authentic to gain something that you need internally through external sources, you are insulting your soul and wounding yourself by validating core beliefs which are false and contrary to your true core essence which is source--divine love. (my words)

WOUNDING OCCURS WHEN YOU FAIL TO PERCEIVE YOUR TRUE WORTH AND TO ACT IN ACCORDANCE WITH YOUR INNER TRUTH. THIS WOUNDING BEGINS IN CHILDHOOD, CONDITIONS ONE TO DO IT TO HIMSELF OR HERSELF UNTIL DEATH OR HEALING TAKES PLACE. (my words)

Healing of core false beliefs requires release of energy/emotion frozen, repressed, stuffed, dissociated, denied from original wound, and a realization of truth of your true inner nature. This is redemption. This is salvation. This is truth. Your truth recognized is evolution and is our purpose on this planet. Anything other than understanding the true essence of your true nature is a lie, is false and leads to perpetual wounding, insecurity and confusion; reliance on external sources and codependency. Anything that would block the understanding divine true love that dwells on the inside of you, the healing source that is with you all the time is that which is false, negative and damaging to your soul. (my words)

Notes & Revelations from Melanie's talk on manipulation

Why Manipulators Manipulate

Great Audio of "Why Manipulators Manipulate" by Melanie Tonia Evans

Why Manipulators Manipulate

Notes on Melanie Tonia Evans talk:

If we are around manipulation, and we continue to hang around to receive it, then we have to go into maladaptation. We have to change our own levels of authenticity when we're involved in that, and that absolutely undermines our self worth. If you are aligned and solid in your truth and your authentic self, you would not be hanging around with someone who manipulates you (such as a narcissist or other manipulative person).

When you're on the battle field with a manipulator, you have no choice but to become someone you are not because your true self is under constant attack.

An essential truth of life is, we need to be very aware of the levels of consciousness that people have in your life because if you are intimately connected with people or spending a lot of time with people, what happens is that your levels of consciousness start balancing out and meeting. Either your consciousness is going to meet those people's levels, or they're going to drag you down to their level of consciousness.

The only way to raise your level of consciousness is to take responsibility that "I am creating my own life."

Manipulation is a way to play out unhealed wounds. Manipulation occurs from core wound / core belief of unworthiness without manipulating external circumstances. Comes from place of lack, outside yourself.

The only place worthiness can ever take place is within your own inner being, regardless of the conditions outside of you. We never have control of conditions outside ourselves. We only ever have control of our own beingness, and how that beingness is manifesting itself through us.




The Space Between Self Esteem & Self Compassion [Video]


Thursday, September 26, 2013

Rise with the Changes

Sherrie Campbell, PhD
 
It can be hard to see the good in the bad when you are caught up in the initial shock of what feels bad to you. Any time life changes it puts us into great upheaval but what we often learn is that our life-path is kicking out and getting rid of the things and people that will not serve us on the next part of our journey. Sometimes it takes the biggest falls for us to be truly inspired by our own willpower to survive and carry on. Each loss then becomes a personal victory in self-love. If you have a genuine commitment to yourself you can and will survive whatever change comes because you realize on the deepest levels that you have YOU to count on. No one can heal for you, no one can take the hurt for you, and no one can solve life's problems for you. You with yourself have to take on these endeavors. If you take it on with courage, faith and trust you will blow your own mind at what you can achieve as you rise from the ashes of the change which occurred. You will eventually be grateful it happened. Be thankful for your good-bye's in life. There is nothing braver then to come face-to-face with a good-bye, look it in the face and welcome its departure with grace. When you are here, you will see as time passes and you rise that you must choose the company you keep more wisely. You will develop higher standards. The Universe will step in and mettle before ever letting you settle for relationships that cannot support you. The more you love yourself through change, you can give yourself the permission that you do not have to have it together all the time...simply face things bravely, trust the process, give yourself love and kindness and RISE.

Monday, September 23, 2013

Worthless for Whom?


If someone doesn't see your value and doesn't treat you right, 
then that person is worthless to YOU, not the other way around.

Sunday, September 22, 2013

You Are Love

Love flows outward; it's not something you can ever *get.*

You are LOVE, so be who you are, see who you are, and share who you are.

Love flows outward; it's not something you can ever *get.* You are LOVE, so be who you are, see who you are, and share who you are. Face reality. You are not your past, you are not your pain, you are not your thoughts, you are not your doubts, you are not your fear, you are not your shame, you are not your feelings. You bigger than that, higher than that, more powerful than you realize. YOU ARE LOVE. You have the answers inside.

How can you GET what you already are? If you don't GET that you are Love, how can you get it from anyone else?  

The Ego

The ego competes & compares. The ego plays games. Manipulates, fears, gets anxious, panics. The ego is always worried about measuring worth.

 The ego must be right. If anyone disagrees, it's an assault to the ego. The ego would rather dwell in delusion than admit it is wrong.

The ego keeps you hard, closed-off, alone, sad, depressed, lonely, stuck, it fights with itself and disconnects you from yourself & others.

The ego is always trying to get love, acceptance and approval from outside itself. It hides you from your true essence, that of divine love.

The ego is everything bad. Self judgment, the inner critic, negative thinking. The ego, quite frankly, sucks. You don't need it.

The ego is manipulative, controlling and has an agenda. it can't love, it only plays for power to get a little ego feed that never satisfies.

Tweeting is quite egoic.
 

Saturday, September 21, 2013

Who Are You Not?

Who are you? I mean, really--who are you? Do you know? Do you have a secure sense of self. Is your identity one of your own making, rather than what you were conditioned to be as a child, or what you think you should be? Do you know who you really are? I've found that at the core, each of us consists of the same thing. LOVE. The core of our existence is love. Each of us. You, me and all on this amazing planet.

We are wrought in love, and we are love through and through. The problem is that we aren't taught this. The world for some reason teaches the opposite; that we are waste-cases, filled with rebellion, that at our core we are rotten scoundrels. I've found this to not be true. Each of us must make up our own minds. I've found that at the core of me is not what I was afraid to find. Underneath all the defenses and conditioning and false stories I've believed is a awesome essence, that of love, beauty and compassion.

There is a lot in the way of this divine essence. I had to do away with a lot of conditioning, I had to go beyond what many were telling me. I had to be strong enough to see life for what it really is and to face reality. When I did all of these things, I found pure love. Pure love, divine essence is at the core of every human being. In order to get to this understanding, it helps to discover who you're not. If you want to reach your divine nature, your beauty, your bliss, your divine love that creates your inner core, then it helps to know that you are tied to anything that others put on you, or that you put on yourself. So often our identity is falsely linked to factors that have nothing to do with the truth of our true, divine essence.

I am not my past.
I am not my wounds.
I am not my pain.
I am not my joy.
I am not my possessions.
I am not my body fat measurement.
I am not my abilities.
I am not my clothing.
I am not my habits.
I am not my addictions.
I am not my weaknesses.
I am not my family.
I am not my friends.
I am not my thoughts.
I am not my emotions.
 

Feeling Good is Not Enough

We can't always trust our feelings. Some things that "feel good" are not always best. Just because something feels good, doesn't mean it serves your best interests or that it is for your highest good. It may feel good to give yourself away to others, to give more than you take, to ignore your own needs and serve another instead. This may feel right and good to you within your heart, however, it may be counterproductive to your well being.

Perhaps you were raised to give yourself away, to forgo yourself in lieu of others. If so, then you likely learned to associate good feelings with this process, as this was the way that you gained, or earned "love" (albeit false love). These good feelings are like heroin, as you become addicted to the process of gaining affirmation by giving up yourself. Your comfort zone is a place where you do not exist. The False Self. You gain good feelings by being invisible, by losing yourself in another person.

Unfortunately the good feelings always end in pain and frustration. Why? Because we are not created to give ourselves away. We are created to find fulness within, and that requires us to act on our own behalf and look after our own needs. We must have a firm identity, we must believe in our own rights to need and want and to be treated equally if we want to stay true to ourselves.

The good feelings are an illusion. You can't forgo yourself and over serve the world without paying a high price. The price you pay for following your good feelings to give too much is the feeling of emptiness. Once you give yourself away--that is allow your feelings to be overly reliant on the actions and feelings of another person--you are left with nothing.
 
This is where MINDFULNESS comes in. When you are inclined to give yourself away, to give yourself up, to put another person ahead of yourself without thought of your own needs, you need mindfulness to keep you in check. Mindfulness includes your wise-self; the part of you that guides and protects you. The wise part of you, the internal guidance that lets you know--if you will plug into it--whether the good feelings you are following are in fact for your highest good.

If you've learned that it's more noble to give yourself up than to assert yourself and require that other people treat you with respect and honor your needs in reciprocation, then you may need to relearn how to live and relate with others. You may need to speak up for yourself, set boundaries, back-off, pull away, set standards and say no to others. This process may feel uncomfortable at first--hence, you're getting out of your learned comfort zone and into the place of the unknown.

You may feel like, for a moment, that you are not going to "get" the love that you need when you choose yourself over the approval of others. The truth is that love can only come from within. We can only share what we have, not get love from the outside. You must show yourself that you love yourself by refusing to give yourself away.

It may hurt for you to stick up for yourself. It may feel bad. It may feel wrong. But hang in there because what feels wrong is not always wrong! New processes require you to be uncomfortable for a while. Learning to love yourself may require that you forgo the fantasy of getting love outside yourself and this may not feel good at first. Eventually, however, as you learn to give yourself what you need, and as your brain learns this new way of being whole, you will begin to contain the good feelings within. You will have taught yourself how to be comfortable without giving yourself away. It takes practice! You will make mistakes! It is worth every effort.

Yes, you should trust your feelings, but you should trust your inner guide more--your wise mind. The higher you that keeps the past, present and future in perspective. Tap into that part of you that is wise, and delay instant gratification to soothe your need for love and approval outside of yourself. Learn to give yourself what you need, even though it may feel uncomfortable for a while. Soon, with practice, you will become stronger as you tap into the power of your own internal gatekeeper. Your own infinite source of love inside of you.

What Mindfulness Is to Me

Mindfulness has helped me a great deal in my healing from issues in my life. It is through mindfulness that I figured out who I was, and organized my identity. Mindfulness to me is not the same as it is on all the Zen blogs and new age websites. Mindfulness to me is about being aware of my present state of mind, feelings, emotions, physical sensations, thoughts and intuition. Mindfulness is about being open and connected within myself. I can't tell you all the benefits I've gained from this practice! Mindfulness has been one of the most important tools for my healing and personal growth.

When I'm talking about Mindfulness, I'm talking about several things, so I'll try to describe here. First, Mindfulness to me means awareness. Awareness of everything, such as:
  • How I'm feeling
  • How my body feels when I feel this way
  • Where the pain is
  • Where the joy is
  • What I'm thinking
  • What I'm doing
  • How others are responding to me
  • Where my emotion at any given moment is residing in my physical body
  • What I'm telling myself about certain situations
  • My inner critic, internal judgments
  • My needs, wants & desires
  • My best interests overall
  • Anxiety, Fear, Panic, Negative emotions
  • Happiness, Joy, Bliss, Positive emotions
  • Substitutes for feelings
  • Addictive Behaviors, Habits, Patterns
  • Relating with others
  • Intuition
  • Internal Warning Sensors  
  • Cognitive distortions
  • Internal contradictions
Mindfulness for me goes a step beyond awareness, to the realm of trust. Trusting in these sensations, feelings and intuitions of myself... Mindfulness helps me to establish a foundation of trust, security and belief in who I am, what I need and my right to be, feel, know and do at any given moment. Mindfulness is my core-root of beingness, the seat of my soul, the wise part of me that watches and rules (whenever possible) over my cognitions, beliefs and feelings.

Mindfulness to me is an internal guidance system that I need to stay tapped-into if I am to operate my life in my own best interest, which in effect, serves the best interest of others. It was only once I learned to be the "observer" of myself that I was able to comprehend who I am, how I feel about specific experiences, and how to guide myself toward my highest good. It's a learning process. I'm still growing...

The practice of Mindfulness helped me discover who I am. I did not know who I was until I started being mindful, paying attention and focusing on my feelings, thoughts and bodily sensations. The more in tune I am with my internal workings, the better I am able to function effectively and keep myself intact in face of emotional harm.

If you are raised in an abusive environment, one that is invalidating to your soul, you may not be connected to the internal guide within your heart. This was me. I was detached from who I was because my feelings and sense of self respect were not validated and fostered in me as a child. It was only after I learned to TRUST my own internal sensations that I was able to operate effectively and to protect myself from boundary violations. Learning to trust myself also helped me to know what I needed and to get my needs met.








You Are Enough

By: Sherrie Campbell, PhD
We know deep down that for our lives to work we just have to be ourselves but so many of us are caught up in trying to be more that we forget who we are or don't know who we are at all. Who we are is us minus all the baggage we add to get love and approval. If our original energy is love, then that is who we are. Can you feel that? Seriously, take a moment...feel that because that is who we are. This is the place we need to operate from. 
Love is simple. Love is graceful. Love is quiet. Love is soft. Love is firm. Love includes. Love lets go. Love is calm. Love is knowing you do not need to embellish yourself to get love. Looking for love outside of ourselves is hell. When we are looking for it, shape-changing to capture it, adding things to ourselves to receive it, or giving up precious parts of ourselves or our lives to win it, we will come up loveless every time. 
This is because this is neediness. This is not love. Love doesn't need to add anything to it because it already is everything. When we can get here, love will constantly seek us. This is the truth of who we are. Have a sweet weekend.

Approval Seeking

by Sherrie Campbell, PhD

In becoming less we actually become more. In life when we are attention seeking in any way to get the love and approval of others what happens is we repel them. When we are willing to let go of the "show" or always being in "audition mode" is when we will attract the love and attention that we are seeking. Trying to get something will keep it away from us. The lesson behind this is to just be yourself. You really do not need to seek the love and approval of others if you like and love who you are. If you genuinely like and love who you are then you will know that you shine just as you are...there is no need to show off. The simple act of truly loving yourself is all you need to focus on to make your life work. It isn't about others, or what they think of you. This is trying to find love from your insecurity. We will come up loveless when trying to find love this way and from this place. When we become less it isn't about shrinking it is actually about expanding because we emanate that we have become so comfortable in who we are that we do not doubt our lovability and we naturally and easily attract love to us. People can feel and sense when we are comfortable in our own skin. They can also sense when we are not because we are always making sure we stand out somehow. There is no peace in all that effort to stand out. Love yourself. That is really all you need to do. Let go of needing to be it all, know it all and show it all off. It serves you nothing but rejection. The divine purpose of the rejection is to direct you back inside to learn to love yourself quietly and gracefully. Your humility will be so vast and so beautiful that all that you want will come your way.

Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Dig Deep

By Sherrie Campbell, PhD
 
When life challenges you to your core...dig deep. When you look inside yourself you can get extremely cluttered and distorted by your mind and negative self talk. There is something below that, within you, if you can get there. What is underneath your fear is a vastness of light that carries the truth about who you really are. Who you really are is love wrapped or canvased in a human form. This is what I call your inner world and it exists inside you just below your fear. Our inner world is as expansive as the Universe and the only thing we need to get in touch with it quickly is a deep soulful breath. This inner world is intelligent. It is the world that connects us to everyone else, to our desires, dreams, and opportunities for higher learning but most importantly it connects us to our Source of love and grace. Negativity is not intelligent. Nothing productive comes from the energy of force or negativity. So many of us get caught in this, as it is part of being human, but there is something that can dissipate it. If we can connect and dig below the negativity we will find love. Negativity comes from fear. Once fear hits the mind, the mind becomes embellished, distorted and negative. It starts making decisions which create separation and division. This is no way to love or be loved. Dig deeper and deeper and the light of who you really are is there just waiting to be discoverd, uncovered and used to guide you through all your life situations. All it takes is the work, committment and perseverence to believe in your own divinity. It is not outside of you, it is within you.

Monday, September 16, 2013

Weakness


Weakness is okay. I've learned to lean into my vulnerability, not leave it stranded. I stick with myself all the way through it.

One of the most important truths I've learned this year is how to *be with* your own vulnerability. Weakness is okay.


Leaning into your own vulnerability, being present with it no matter where it takes you softens you in myriad ways. It breeds compassion.

If I am hurting, I don't turn away. I lean into it, support it and see it through without judgment.

Need is okay. Want is okay. When I understand that vulnerability, weakness and need is okay, I am able to let down my walls and connect with others, to relate on a human level. You do not have to be so tough all the time. You don't have to be made of steel. You are made of flesh, with a beating heart and breaths that are ever-so-delicate.

Weakness is delicate. Getting in touch with your weakness and allowing vulnerability space within your consciousness is to embrace one more beautiful aspect of beingness with acceptance, love and honor. No need to run and hide. You will not die from admitting your weaknesses, needs and vulnerabilities; the truth is, once you accept these less-than-perfect aspects of yourself, you will become more fully alive.

Saturday, September 14, 2013

You Already Have It

The peace you want, the joy you want, the contentment you want, the attention you want, the affection you want, the love you want--you already have it. It's all inside of you. If you've ever had the ability to feel blissfully in love, that feeling is still inside of you. If you've ever had the the experience of feeling utterly safe and content, you still have that too--on the inside of you. Every feeling, every state, every way you want to feel is inside of you...

You don't have to wait for the perfect circumstances to tap into these feelings within your heart. The only reason you are not experiencing ultimate bliss is because you've told yourself you can't have it. You've put restrictions on these feelings, exalting some outside accoutrements and denigrating others.

Sure, certain things in our lives bring great joy, peace and satisfaction, such as success and intimacy, but the feelings that such states invoke are inside of you and in your control. You can tap into such feelings if you free your mind to experience what you want RIGHT NOW.

Everything is a projection. The manifestation of our lives is a projection of what we allow. Our mindset, beliefs and thoughts frame our world. We assign value to different states and occurrences. If we want to tap into blissful feelings today, we must only change what we tell ourselves about the values of external forces. We can learn to be joyous in everything, even in our trials. After all, we are in control of our thoughts, and we are in control of the values we place on the input.

Facing reality is paramount. Much dissatisfaction comes from wishing things are different. Reality is what it is, we can't control it. We can, however, control how we react to it, and when we change ourselves to appreciate what is, we can also assign value to that which is. We have control of what's inside of us.

When we live peacefully, hopefully and gratefully in our present reality, things around us WILL start to change. Our vibrational patterns, or level of faith rises when we are free from discontent. As our energy rises to higher levels of knowing, we begin to attract things in our life that match where we are, almost as if by magic.

Your life is where it is because of what you're telling yourself about reality. You tell yourself you must have this or that in order to be happy, so you stay sad today. When you live like this, all the Universe brings to you is more of the same sadness. It brings you what you want, and obviously if you're telling yourself your sad because you don't have what you want, then sadness is what you're choosing. We choose our external circumstances by the thoughts and subsequent feelings we have about our existing situation. Be sure to *Think Up* to *Rise Up* to the next level.

You have everything you need to live the life you've always dreamed of... the only problem is getting out of your own way, using insight to see where you're drawing negativity to yourself with your thoughts. It's time to be free of all the conditioning of negative nay-sayers. You are in control, your perception is your reality. You create your world and choose how to think and feel.

Realize your power. Realize who you are. No, it's not easy to face reality, but the sooner you do, the sooner you can master yourself and create your own existence. Everything you want, everything you need, everything you ever wanted is already on the inside of you. You create your world. You are creating your world right now! Take time to gain insight as to how your thoughts, and your understanding of how you control your thoughts make or break your life. You are in control. You create your reality.

Thoughts on Mindfulness

By Sherrie Campbell, PhD
 
Being mindful is a quality which leads us into correct decision making. If we are mindfull, we have been present with our thoughts, our options, the bigger picture and what is in the best interest of our life. So often we make reactive decisions that not only hurt others, which cause us guilt and shame, but mostly these decisions hurt our lives, our ability to trust ourselves and our ability to love ourselves. Being mindful means that we come from our heart. We come from love. We come from a sense of calm and certainty. 
 
Reactive decisions create horrible karma and they contribute to the idea that we are not good enough, that we are not loveable. If we can slow down, communicate, write, read, research and gather information before we make decisions then we don't contribute to further lowering our self-love. There is always a correct answer to our problems in life. If one doesn't come immediately, then do nothing and continue to search your soul. 
 
When we love ourselves we want to show up as the best, most mature and thoughtful person we can be..even when that means we must set limits on people. We can still do this mindfully and with integrity. When we love ourselves, integrity is natural. When we love ourselves we make sure to be mindful of who we are and how we impact others. We are aware that when we are loving as people our lives work and when are not loving our lives do not work. Today be mindful of the YOU that you put into the world.

Thursday, September 12, 2013

It's Nothing Personal


It is not your fault when someone treats you badly. If someone rejects you, dishonors you, ignores you, yells at you, abuses you, abandons you or puts you down it has NOTHING to do with you.

“We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are.”

― Ana├»s Nin

If you have a wounded heart, you may have a tendency to put people on pedestals, to idealize them and feel as though they're better than you. You may also try to get other people to fill in the blank spaces of your life, to give you worth where you feel like you have none. Then, when your "idol" devalues you or refuses to reciprocate your affection, you take it personally thinking that it's your fault he or she isn't good to you. You feel like you're bad and worthless just because the one you idolize isn't treating you right.

This simply is not true!

We are our reality, it's all a projection from within, so we see things as we are. What we don't like in us we will project in others in order to criticize them, to reject them, instead of dealing with it within us, but until we do it, we will not really know ourselves.
~ Paulo Renato ~

Healthy people with high self esteem are generally good to others. They don't go around devaluing people, they are open not closed, accepting and not rejecting. When you encounter someone who is selfish, rude and grandiose, it is not your fault. It does not mean you deserve it. You can't help the fact that she is a jerk! You can't control people that much!  Rude people exist. Hurting people hurt people. Just because you come across a hurting person who treats you badly and breaks your heart doesn't mean that you deserve it.
  • It has nothing to do with your forehead wrinkles.
  • It has nothing to do with your unkempt car.
  • It has nothing to do with your muffin top.
  • It has nothing to do with the fact that you're older.
  • It has nothing to do with your style.
  • It has nothing to do with your weight.
  • It has nothing to do with your freckles.
So often when we are rejected or hurt by another, we think it's something specific in us that is unlovable. We think (hopefully we snap out of it fast) that we need to mold ourselves into being what the hurtful person needs so as to be found worthy in their eyes. If we are found worthy by this person we idealize, then we mistakenly think we'll be worthy ourselves. Maybe if we go on a diet, do more yoga, wear higher heels, maybe then he will love me, be nice to me and see how valuable I am.

Hogwash!

Not only do we take it personally by thinking we are inherently flawed, but we also try to control the other person's perception of who we are by changing ourselves to suit what we think they want. This is the ultimate betrayal of self. You give yourself away and abandon who you are when you try to control others by changing into what you think they want you to be.

READ MY LIPS: It's not personal! It is not your fault. You're not too fat because someone doesn't love you. You're not rejected because you have a beer belly. Even if someone says that to you, the problem is inside their own heart, and they're just using superficial reasons as justification to abuse you. Trying to change yourself to make another person start treating you right is overstepping your boundaries. It simply cannot be done. You don't have that much power.

All you control is what's in YOUR DOMAIN. You can influence another person, but ultimately, people do not change unless they see the light and decide to change. Trying to change and control others is a huge reason for sadness and dismay. We need to spend more time tending to ourselves and controlling our own reactions. We need boundaries between what we feel we are responsible for in relation to others. We are responsible only for ourselves.

If you encounter a person with a character flaw, someone who puts you down, abuses you, withdraws or refuses to reciprocate the relationship on equal ground, this is not your fault. Not everyone is capable of a mature, equal and fulfilling relationship. Instead of taking it personally, face reality. Realize that what other people do and how they treat you is a reflection on them--not you.


Wednesday, September 11, 2013

Healing Frozen Feelings & Blocked Emotions


Frozen Feelings

Loving yourself is about getting to know yourself. When you get to know who you are, your true essence, that's when you realize that you are love. Everything in the world is made of love. Love is everything. You are in this world, so you are love. Your essence is divine love.

You may be thinking, okay, I get that I am divine love--I get it in my head, but I don't get it in my heart. In my heart I feel worthless, rejected, depressed. if that is the case, then you are out of touch with your true essence. Growing up, you probably never learned who you really are, and today, you are suffering from it.

If you do not know who you really are, it doesn't mean that you're worthless. Just because you don't know it's raining outside, doesn't make it so. You are love because you are, whether you know it or not. There is just something in the way of your view. Something is blocking your ability to see yourself, to perceive your valuable, true and beautiful essence.

What could it be? It can be a number of things. One thing that could be blocking your view of yourself is repressed emotions. Emotions are energy-in-motion that can become trapped inside your heart without expression. If you hold onto emotions, these emotions, this energy never dies, it only cycles in your psyche over and over again, many times below your conscious awareness.

Your perceived worth and value, that is, the way you see yourself is determined by your core beliefs. Your core beliefs are determined by the decisions that you made at a very early age, from the womb to seven years old. These core beliefs are positive and life-enhancing when your needs are properly met as a child. Positive core beliefs lead to feelings of positive self worth. However, negative core beliefs tear you down and keep you low. If you feel worthless (which is untrue), then you have negative core beliefs that see yourself not as who you really are--a being made of pure love, but for who you're not. If you feel worthless, if you disrespect yourself, it is due to poor core beliefs.

Core beliefs are created in childhood. When you have emotions inside yourself that were not dealt with in childhood, for whatever reason, these emotions never go away. Some emotions fester like a fiery furnace, hot with anger and rage. Other repressed emotions press you down, making your mood low and depressed. Other repressed emotions make you nauseous, others make your hip or other body part hurt. Emotions will not be denied! Emotions must be felt directly for the reason in which they were generated, or else they will come out in whack ways. Lots of ailments, relationship problems and emotional issues are rooted in emotions that were repressed when we were children.

The feelings of danger that are encoded in the unprocessed memories stored in the brain can be triggered by events in the present. - Francine Shapiro, PhD "Getting Past Your Past"

Other emotions are FROZEN. Frozen emotions are emotions that you were not safe to feel as a child. For example, a child may be told to "stop crying, or I'll give you something to cry about," or maybe a child had to be an adult before his or her time. These things cause damage to the heart of a child, even though the child can't let on. When a child has to keep a smile on his face to protect the heart of his mother, to keep her from feeling guilty for not being able to attend to his emotional needs, that child becomes damaged. Emotions are conjured by the abused child, but not necessarily released because releasing negative emotions might hurt someone or make their caretaker angry. Children are hard-wired for survival. Emotional repression is a tool that helps us survive... but it is not conducive to a happy, healthy, whole and full life.

Frozen emotions are emotions that occurred during childhood that were unacceptable to be felt. The parent did not allow room for such emotions, so the child has no other option than to keep these feelings frozen in his or her heart. Frozen emotions occur when a child is afraid, terribly afraid. Fear is a natural feeling that comes from the terror of potentially dying. A child will die without a caretaker, therefore, emotional abandonment and other types of abuse causes intense fear for a child.

The emotion of FEAR cause a distinct psychological and biological reaction in the human body. Three things happen in the threat of fear. 1. Fight; 2. Flight or 3. Freeze. This article is about the frozen kind. The fear that causes such terror that it freezes. Stuck.

This frozen emotion is caused by intense fear during childhood. It means that the child was deathly afraid of being abandoned, which means death. The child was deathly afraid of not being loved, which also means death to a child. (Children die, literally die from lack of love.)

The emotion stays frozen because the child is not safe to express his or her reality within her environment. Instead of expressing her reality and being validated for who she is, she puts on a show for the caretaker. This show is a mask which represents the False Self. This mask is not who she really is, but is what the caretaker needs her to be. It is only when she wears this mask that she gains the acceptance needed for her to continue growing up into adolescence. This is the acceptance that will do, however, that doesn't mean it is healthy. It's like a plant growing up with a disease. As long as she wears this fake mask and as long as the original emotions stay frozen in her heart, she will never fully bloom.

Along with the frozen emotions, stuck in her heart until she willfully allows for free expression later in her life, there is also pieces of her humanity broken off and silenced. Parts of her that are needed in life that she will not be able to access because it is tangled up with frozen, repressed emotion. Emotions that wanted to freeze, but instead acted happy, like nothing was wrong.

A good example of feelings being repressed and potentially frozen is when a child feels required to stop crying, for whatever reason. When a child is not honored and given space for the full expression of his or her self-compassion, he may freeze out of fear of loss of love and acceptance, and pretend to laugh, even though inside, he feels like wailing. This is how emotions are repressed.

These frozen repressed emotions can be triggered later in adulthood. It shows most obviously when you have a fight with your spouse and you go berserk. Repressed emotions are obvious when you overreact, but there are other ways that repressed emotions rule your life that are very obscure to the untrained eye. When you continually choose unsuitable marriage partners, allow your boyfriend to cheat on you, can't stop drinking or gambling... the list is longer than you think. Most of the problems of human emotion are created in the formative years and rooted in repressed emotion. This is the core.

These frozen emotions that the child was not allowed to feel never go away. This is huge! These emotions stay buried, contributing to limiting beliefs and negative self views. It is not until this pent-up energy is expelled, expressed and processed in the presence of an understanding, safe and validating other that the emotion is released. Every emotion that you've never dealt with is still shut up in your heart. You can see the results in your daily life today. Your actions and reactions can be triggered by these frozen emotions, wreaking havoc on your life until you thaw it out and begin to finally heal.

How to Thaw Frozen Feelings

If you have issues in your life that are repetitive and you're unsure why, it could very likely be due to repressed emotions. Perhaps you have feelings that are frozen inside your heart like a cold block of ice. What do you do? How do you know the feelings are there? How do you connect with what happened to you so long ago when you were a little child? That's what I'm about to share.

First, let me explain the positive benefits of expelling repressed emotions. It's wonderful! Inside every bubble of blocked emotion tucked inside your heart is a piece of you. This part of you is repressed alongside the unfelt emotion. When you face the pain and allow the emotional expression of your truth, you will also release parts of yourself you never knew existed. You will gain clarity you never thought you could have. You will be strengthened to win victory over situations that have oppressed you your whole life. The benefits far outweigh the sacrifice.

1. Get to know your feeling self intimately. Spend time with yourself. Journal. Do art. Find out who you are and how you are thinking and feeling. Keep a record of your thoughts, your dreams, your actions and reactions. Dialog with yourself inside your mind about what events trigger what thoughts and feelings. Use Mindfulness to know how you are feeling at any given moment. Notice the physical sensations that you feel in your body such as tightness in your chest, certain tastes on your tongue, pains in your body. Be the observer of your person.

2. Stay consciously aware of negative life patterns. The key to knowing what emotions are repressed, which are frozen and which are on fire inside of you is to stay awake. Ninety percent of what happens inside of you happens in your unconscious. You are not likely aware in the here-and-now that you're upset because your father refused to play with you when you were little. Your brain will try to project that on other people, or blame some other culprit more readily available.

Patterns of negative behavior and reactions that seem uncontrollable can be a great clue to where your repressed emotions are. This requires brutal honesty and willingness to see the truth. It can be painful to look beyond your psychological defenses, but the results of locating these hidden emotions and expelling them completely is worth every effort. Your life will never be the same once you are free! All the problems that you've never been able to figure out will easily fall to pieces when you are free from blocked feelings. Look for clues in what is happening to you TODAY so as to understand what happened to you long ago that you never got to process.

3. Give yourself space to be, and to express your repressed emotion. Just reading this article starts the process of healing for your frozen emotions. Reading this article is a way of tending to your soul, of honoring the potential lost part of you that is attached to the hurt and pain that is frozen inside. Bravo to you for reading this far... Now, go a step further and spend time with yourself and let yourself know that it is okay to be real now. This is inner-child work. It is the process of you re-parenting yourself and telling yourself that although it was not okay to cry when you were little for whatever happened to you that hurt you, but that it is okay now. This is about being a loving adult to your inner-child and giving yourself room to express what's hidden deep inside.

Giving yourself space means turning from the ways you typically abandon and ignore yourself. This means staying sober to attend to the brokenness in your heart without medicating. This means staying home and allowing yourself to be alone with your feelings. This means taking time off work, turning off the TV, fasting from the internet, forgoing golf--doing WHATEVER IT TAKES to give yourself honor and space to feel and express what's deep down inside.

5. Seek the root cause of the painful emotions. You will have more clarity, understanding and release when you are able to pinpoint the actual cause of the original hurt. This could be something that happened to you on the playground as a kid, or something that your brother or sister did to you. Whatever the case, your emotions bring more clarity when you know the exact moment of impact.

6. Express the emotions. Once you've discovered the emotions to be released, you must find a way to express what is there. Your emotions are begging for release! Let it out! Cry, cry, cry, weep, do whatever you can to truly connect with the original source of the pain. You will know you've hit the mark when you can express the reason for the tears as being from long ago--like a child crying at the moment of being hurt. This is an incredibly cathartic experience! You will not be the same when it is over.


The process of expressing emotions is very interesting. At first, you may be afraid to lean into the pain and seek out these negative, hurtful emotions that scared you so badly that you've kept them hidden in your subconscious since day one--but let me tell you, there is nothing to fear!!! It is only when you are able to feel these feelings first hand that you will be free. Healing comes with the expression of emotions that you tried to ignore.


 7. Find supportive people to confide in. Your repressed, frozen emotions are not for everyone. You want to be careful who you share your innermost secrets with... however, there are people who are caring and loving and qualified to help you release your repressed feelings. This may be a support group online or off, a counselor, or a friend. Whomever you find to help you, make sure that person is capable of giving space and VALIDATING your feeling. Without sharing, you cannot fully process what happened. The emotions will not be fully released without the caring, validating presence of another person. We are healed in connection.

8. Find the negative core belief tied to the repressed emotions. Once you discover your frozen emotions, question yourself as to what beliefs stem from this pain. What lies did you believe about yourself as a result of holding your emotions inside. This is a fascinating process! Here is a list of potential negative core beliefs you may find tied to your repressed emotions:
  • You cannot be vulnerable, weakness makes you unlovable.
  • Never be alone because who you are is boring.
  • No one will ever love you because you are damaged.
  • You must be perfect to be accepted in this life.
These core beliefs are treacherous, and the reason for many of our failures. Getting to the root of these negative beliefs (which is repressed emotion) will help your heart to logically re-think what it believes. It may not happen overnight, but your mind will begin to seek proofs that these beliefs are not true (with your gentle guidance), and soon, once you are healed and free of the negative energy, you will find that your beliefs have totally changed.

9. Connect with your spiritual source. You are a spiritual being. You cannot heal without connecting to the spiritual aspect of who you are. The spiritual is what makes you ethereal, eternal and is where the ultimate power to heal is found. Without being connected to your spiritual source of love, assurance, trust and knowing, you will get relief, but not ultimate healing. Ultimate healing requires an understanding of your divine nature. Healing and learning to love yourself requires a connection to the god of your understanding. Healing and growing into a mature, happy, healthy and whole human being requires that you realize who you are--a conduit of love. You must do whatever it takes to know, really know that!

Conclusion

Frozen feelings stay in your heart and control your life in negative ways. It's not that the feelings are bad, per say. Your feelings are feelings and each is valid and to be honored. The feelings are not bad, it's the repression and denial of these feelings that bring you pain. Feelings are energy that must be dealt with. Not dealing with feelings makes you contorted emotionally and can make the whole world seem whack. It is up to you as an adult to embrace your inner child, face the repressed sadness inside, and allow yourself space to unfold and experience what you rejected in you long ago. You cannot love yourself, you cannot see yourself, you cannot know yourself or anyone else to the fullest extent until you have felt all that you can feel.

It's time to thaw...

“In addition to reaching out for help, you will also need to reach within yourself. Your biggest ally will be your emotions. Through them, you will learn more about what really happened to you, how the abuse affected you, and what you need to do in order to heal. Your emotions will enable you to reclaim the self you long ago hid away.”

― Beverly Engel, The Right To Innocence 

Tuesday, September 10, 2013

What is Love?

In my quest to find out how to love myself, I was faced with the question of "What is love?" If you want to love something or someone, what is it, exactly, that you are doing? What is the essence of love? What is the difference between true love and false love? This is my answer, always evolving--what I know today...
  • Love is the mystery element that holds the universe in place.
  • Love is everything, both visible and invisible.
  • Love cannot be held, horded, bought or traded.
  • Love cannot be manufactured.
  • Love cannot be given or received, it just is.
  • Love flows where love is.
  • Love is.
  • Love is light in the darkness.
  • Love is eternal, infinite and timeless.
  • Love is misunderstood.
  • We are love, each of us.
  • Our essence is divine love.
  • Love is perfect; our essence is perfect.
  • Love can hide in plain sight.
  • You can see through love.
  • Love never dies.
  • Love fills and completes.
  • Love is necessary.
  • God is love.
  • Love cannot be divided.
  • Love is black and white.
  • Love for one is love for all.
  • You don't have to love yourself, you are love.
  • You don't have to love yourself, you must wake up to the truth that you ARE Love.
  • Love does not compete or compare.
  • Love is not longing--love is fullness.
  • Love finishes.
  • Love is loyal, consistent, trustworthy, true.
  • Love is patient, kind, forgiving.
  • Love heals the soul.
  • Abandoning yourself is removal from your source of love.
  • Your source is love.
  • You are love.
  • The answer is love.
  • You seek love that you already are.
  • When you find love, you find yourself.
  • The love you seek, you already have... you are love.
  • Love is the answer.
  • Love protects and provides. 
  • Love nourishes, feeds and delivers.
  • Love is eternal.
  • Love is for you.
  • A drop of love is the same as an ocean of love. 
  • Love cannot be measured.
  • Love is boundless.
  • Love is open.
  • Love encourages, blesses, benefits, adds.
  • You cannot add to love, you can only uncover the truth of love.*
  • Love has nothing to prove, except for itself.
  • You cannot add to love, you can only uncover it.
  • You cannot add to love, you can only remove the barriers to seeing it.
  • Love comes only from within.
  • Nothing outside of you can give you the love you need if you don't already know love inside.
  • Love is wild and untame.
  • Love has no agenda.
  • Love is the truth.
  • Love = Truth
  • Love is reality.
  • Love is committed.
  • Love is bigger than we realize.
  • Love is incredible.  
  • It is impossible to "get" love, it is only possible to recognize that you already have it.
  • No getting of love will last.
  • The world is blind to the true essence within each of us--LOVE.
  • Loving yourself means you know yourself.
  • To know you is to love you because you are love.
  •  Lies you believe eclipse the love that you are.
  • Love is a verb, noun, adverb -- Love is everything.
  • Love affirms and accepts. 
*Still testing these hypothesis. 

Loving oneself is about knowing that you exist as a manifestation of Pure Love. Denial of your true nature is denial of reality that causes pain, depression, epidemics and addiction.

A parents job is to raise their children to know that they are love; to mirror their identity, which is Pure Love, so that the child knows who he or she is and knows they are divine.

The problem of man is not lack of love, but lack of recognition of what is already inside, the stuff that we are each made of--the world is made of--the universe, existence. Life itself is LOVE.

Monday, September 9, 2013

♪♪♪ My Voice Broke Through ♪♪♪

By Jenna Ryan

You may not know this, but I am a singer. I've always loved to sing, and I've always had my moments. I did not truly learn to sing, however, until I had lessons with a wonderful coach. This teacher helped my voice "break through" and shimmer like a diamond. He helped me to polish the facets of my voice, pull out its originality and showed me how to dive deep into my own capabilities. He believed in me, and I was ready to sing. A willing student.

When I first started going to Greg, my vocal coach, I had an incredibly strong belt. So strong, in fact, that he had to turn down the sound equipment when it was my turn to sing. I was like a fire hose. My voice was either full-blast or nothing. Looking back, it's quite funny. I wonder how he survived me!

There was one other aspect of my voice that was interesting. I could sing a glass-breaking opera. (Think "Halleluiah Chorus") Seriously, I could opera out the wazoo... Belt or Opera, belt or opera... Two very powerful singing styles that don't work without some middle ground. Practicing at home, I would belt and sing opera. Neither flowed, but both sounded pretty good on its own.

One day sitting on the sofa, singing in my alternate styles, I thought, "I know I have this incredible opera sound... it would be nice if I could take that goodness and spread it out to other areas of my voice. I know it would be terrific, if I could just access it."

I didn't understand how to access the bridge between these two vocal styles. Plus, my opera voice was concentrated... it needed to be pulled out and savored. It was a great sound, all jumbled up in one place. I needed help. The passion and the tones needed work; gentleness, softness and flow.

After several months of working with Greg, something amazing happened. He was shocked, even. My voice began to develop. The two styles melted together in a sound that was all my own. I could go high and I could go low--it was the opera that took me there. It took a lot of work, but with the help of my coach, I was able to pull this beautiful voice through and use it liberally in my songs. I'm thankful to him to this day.

Why am I telling you this story? Because. This story reminds me of my transition from self abandonment to self love. It matches quite well.

Just like my amateur singing abilities before singing lessons, I was once a newbie in love. I simply did not know how to love myself. I had a lot of love within me. I knew that. When I saw a gorgeous man, I could fall in love in two seconds! There was lots of love in me! Lot's of heartache too.

The feelings of love that I had for boyfriends and crushes was immense. I would think about them a lot, and dream about them, and do anything in the world for my love. I could literally feel warmth in my heart and longing and desire ruled my obsession. There was love in my heart, but many times my love was wasted on one who did not have the resources to love me back, or worse... an abuser. Still, I wanted love more than I wanted anything in the world.

As for me, meh. I didn't think very highly of myself. I thought I was boring, not good enough, broken, hopeless. I needed a man to make me feel complete, or so I thought. Just like the singing scenario, I had a lot of love that made me feel amazing, but it was concentrated in all the wrong places.

I knew I had it, just like I knew I had my opera voice. It's just that loving another person more than you love yourself is almost as bad as singing only-opera 24 hours a day. It just doesn't work! You have to love yourself first if you want to be in a happy, equal, fulfilling relationship. Likewise, opera by itself gets old. There has to be a better way.

Thankfully, gratefully, much to my extreme glee, I found the middle ground. I found the bridge for getting the love that I was pouring out on the wrong man onto my own self. It took a lot of soul searching, tons of hard work, but I learned to balance my love, and stop starving my own self of my own time, attention and devotion. I learned to appreciate me as much as I do others. I learned to lavish my internal resources on me instead of wasting my love on a loser. It's true that I already had the answer all along, I just had to learn how to focus my good feelings back onto myself...

I had to learn to hang-on to my good feelings and not give everything away. I had to learn to love high, love low, love softly and be gentle towards myself. I cannot tell you how much better it feels now that I'm generous to me. It's amazing--miraculous even. My life is transformed!

My voice and my love for myself is growing stronger everyday. I hope that YOU too find the places where your love is wasting away, being poured out on one who appreciates it not. I hope that YOU too learn to turn your love inward and begin to love, respect and pay attention to your own heart. There is no greater high note!


Empathy

I was thinking yesterday that we need to start by having empathy for ourselves... We can't have empathy for others if we ignore and abandon ourselves.

Byron Katie Quotes

We see things as we are, reality as we know it is a mirror of our within, instead of judging reality we can use it to become more aware of our selves and reconnect with our essence.

What internal environment are you creating? Look at the world, that's it exactly. Byron Katie

The mind usually says, “I know, I know, I know.” But the “don’t-know mind” is where wisdom lives. Byron Katie
If you want to see the love of your life, look in the mirror.
Pay close attention to the particular thoughts you use to deprive yourself of happiness.
If I had a prayer, it would be this: “God spare me from the desire for love, approval, or appreciation. Amen”
Whenever you think that your needs are not met, you’re telling the story of a future.
How do you keep your ego intact? Defense, of course.
It's not the darkness that people fear; it's what they imagine into the darkness.
You’re just suffering from the belief that there’s something missing from your life.
You can only see what you believe—nothing else is possible.
The only thing you fear is the unreality that you yourself have invented.
When I seek your approval, I don’t approve of the me that’s seeking the approval.
When you say or do anything to please, get, keep, influence, or control anyone or anything, fear is the cause and pain is the result. Manipulation is separation, and separation is painful. Another person can love you totally in that moment and you’d have no way of realizing it. If you act from fear, there’s no way you can receive love, because you’re trapped in a thought about what you have to do for love. Every stressful thought separates you from people.
Depression, pain, and fear are gifts that say, “Sweetheart, take a look at your thinking in this moment. You’re living in a story that isn’t true for you.” Living a lie is always stressful. And investigating a lie through The Work always leads you back to who you are. Who you are is not an option. You are love. It hurts to believe you’re other than who you are, to live any story less than love.
When a thought hurts, that’s the signal that it isn’t true.
When you discover that all happiness is inside you, the wanting and needing are over, and life gets very exciting.
I'm a lover of what is, not because I have to be, but because it hurts when I argue with reality.
Fear has only two causes: the thought of losing what you have or the thought of not getting what you want.
Arguing with reality is like trying to teach a cat to bark - hopeless.
Gratitude is what we are without a story.
Defense is the first act of war. Notice.
Confusion is when you argue with what is.
Personalities don't love - they want something.
All the advice you ever gave your partner is for you to hear.
Seeking love keeps you from the awareness that you already are it.

Here’s what I’ve told my children: “You have the perfect mother. I’m responsible for all your problems, and you’re responsible for the solutions.”
 
 

Saturday, September 7, 2013

The False Self

The False Self.  I've come to understand the False Self as a part of yourself that tries to be something other than who you are in effort to gain acceptance and approval from others. This is the heart of codependence. When you're more concerned with what others think of you than following your own truth, you are codependent on outside input.

Another term for this condition is having an external locus of control. This state is very painful because one can never control the actions and reactions of others. If you're self-love and identity hinges on what others think, you're self worth fluctuates depending on whether you're accepted, rejected, approved or disregarded.

The False Self is the part of you that is playing a part. Your mask. It's the part that is trying to earn approval, to get love. The False Self cannot ever get love because true love flows from within, from your very essence. The False Self can only get false love which is conditional and leaves you feeling invisible and empty. ~ jlr 


_____

Sharing our wounded ego selves is sharing who we have created ourselves to be to have control over getting love and avoiding pain. There is no reality, no truth, no authenticity to our ego wounded self. Authentic connection is not possible from an inauthentic part of ourselves. No matter how much you may want the joy of authentic connection with your partner or others, it cannot occur until you authentically connect with yourself.

~ Dr. Marget Paul

Connection


The problem is that we cannot authentically connect with another unless we are connected with our authentic selves. If we are not defining ourselves from within, then we consistently attempt to define ourselves eternally, by doing whatever we can to have control over getting love, approval, attention, sex, agreement, and so on. We confuse true connection with the momentary good feeling that comes from getting what we want from another. We think that relating to another from the wounded ego part of ourselves and getting what we want to feel externally validated is connection. It is not.

Connection with another is a mutual experience of sharing our authentic selves with each other and each receiving caring, understanding, and support - the mutual feeling of being received and cherished for who we each really are. It is truly one of the highest experiences in life. But this wonderful experience is not possible unless we are both able to share as our authentic selves. It is only when we are deeply connected with our own feelings, our own thoughts, and our own inner knowing/spiritual guidance that we can authentically share ourselves. 


Dr. Margaret Paul

The Warrioress

THE WARRIORESS....She’s arriving into present time. This is the gift of her deep work. She has been healing her pain, embracing her shadows, claiming her body & womb temple, releasing her shame, clearing the victim/opressor, facing her fears, walking out of dishonouring spaces & so much more.

She’s a warrior. She stands steady, anchored inside herself. She’s let go her history. Her cellular memories are cleaned out, and she’s no longer trapped in the past. As she connects to her divine longing & her passion, she deepens her surrender.

Her future is exciting. She’s becoming relaxed about where her life is heading. She’s free & uncluttered, & she’s travelling light. Her energy is no longer sucked into the past, or running away into the future.

She feels powerful & abundant. She’s fully present. She’s amazed at how relaxed and alert she can be at the same time. She could easily pass through the eye of a needle.▼

Sukhvinder Sircar
Perceptive Artista

Looking For Love In All The Wrong Places...

By Melanie Tonia Evans

Looking For Love In All The Wrong Places...

The eyes of every beholder can only REFLECT back how you behold yourself.

The exact conditions you believe are necessary to earn love, are the ones you will never succeed at.

Cellularly you are still holding onto the self-belief from your past, that you are not loveable and worthy simply because you exist.

Change that and everything changes...

Much Love xo


Melanie Tonia Evans 

Self Abandonment

By Inner Bonding

As adults, unless you are very sick, old or disabled, abandonment is something to we do to ourselves. Others can leave us or reject us, but only we can abandon ourselves. Today, stop abandoning yourself by attending to your own feelings and needs, being compassionate toward yourself, speaking up for yourself, taking loving action for yourself, and staying open to learning about your feelings and with your spiritual Guidance.

Wednesday, September 4, 2013

You Didn't Lose You

By Dr. Sherrie Campbell
 
There is so much symbolism in life that is always available to you in the form of small miracles. When we ask for something from the deepest part of our heart we will receive the miracle almost instantly. It is often when we are the most vulnerable or the most in pain when we are the most open to these miracles. I think this is because this is the time that we need the most help or guidance. 
It is easy to love ourselves and others when things are going great but it can be or feel like an impossible feat to love ourselves or others when we are in pain but this is the exact time that you need to do it most. Just because someone or something may abandon you, do whatever you can not to abandon yourself. Sometimes it is not even the other person that we miss. What we miss sometimes is the person we got to be in that relationship. If you were giving and loving in a relationship and the relationship ends what you are missing is the YOU that you got to express and have reflected back to you.  
It feels good to love and to be loving so why does this have to stop if your relationship ends. This is when you have the opportunity to give to yourself what you were giving to the other person. Then when you really look at it...between the two of you, you can see that if there was going to be a loss...at least it wasn't you who lost YOU, it was them. So you are still yourself, you are still loving and fabulous. You didn't lose anything but the opportunity to express it to that other person. So, turn it around, accept the loss and be glad that you left with YOU to keep and to treasure. This my friends is the most beautiful miracle of all.

Tuesday, September 3, 2013

Forgive Yourself & Move On

By Les Brown
Forgive yourself and move on. Release the need to rehash, review or relive what you could have, should have or would have done. Instead, be aware of what you learned about yourself.

Look at what the situation showed you that you were unwilling to see. Forgive yourself...despite your choices, actions or inaction and in spite of your lack of knowledge or misplaced trust. There may be consequences and responsibilities that you must face.

Avoidance and denial are poor substitutes for decisive action. Stop swinging at yourself with a super-sized bat. Put it down, pick yourself up, dust yourself off and know this..you will learn to trust yourself again, despite what you may be feeling now. Be gentle on yourself. Choose to be stronger, wiser, more courageous, determined, and committed to living in the present and building a brighter future for yourself. Remember...you have something special...you have GREATNESS within you!!

Love Your Life, Every Minute of It

Until you find love in the little things, you won't be able to find love in the big things. Love through the little things is the bridge to bigger things. There is an illusion that we are waiting, waiting, waiting for that one BIG LOVE to swoop in and save us--at least among me and my single girlfriends. I'm finding that love doesn't work that way.

Love isn't something outside of you. It's already there, inside of you, heart beating with love--it is yours. So often we ignore this wellspring of love that we have within, likely because we've never been taught to access it--or maybe we forgot along the way.

We must learn to experience love in every area of our lives, not only when we are noticed by a guy we like, or make a giant paycheck or get a sale. We must experience the love within at all times, both good and bad times, if we are to find true fulfillment.

Some things are mundane. You don't want to wash your car, hang your clothes or wash your dishes, but it's important to do these things--all things--with great love. Good times come and go, but love remains at all times, exuberant love that fills and fulfills, if we only open our eyes and our hearts and tap-tap-tap into every minute of it.

Monday, September 2, 2013

Longing for Self Love


I used to wake in the morning with someone on my mind. My heart longed for the fulfillment of love that always seemed elusive. Longing to me was love and love was longing. Longing was not fun, it was painful, ironic and always left me empty. Little did I know that I, myself, was the one keeping me there, in the state of perpetual desire for the fulfillment of love that would never come.

Longing was me pouring my love, my need, my desire and sometimes my obsession into another person. Funny, now, to note that the person I dreamed about was always unavailable, unattainable and guaranteed to perpetuate my state.


Its hard to describe this constant state of longing, other than to say that it is like a song that's never finished, a meal that can't be tasted, an oasis on the horizon that can never be held in reality. It's the ultimate rat-race, a never ending treadmill of wanting, hoping, wishing for the completion of that which is missing... Love. How I longed for love, real love, true love, reciprocal love, unconditional love, love that accepted me just as I am, love. I longed for it night and day, pining away for the impossible.

As the object of the completion, the fulfillment of my longing, I would erect a talisman of sorts, that in the image of a man. A relationship. True love depicted in the movies. What everyone else had, everyone else, that is, but me. My heart ached to be loved, to be fulfilled, to be whole, and I projected this need outside of myself, onto the image of another person.

If THAT PERSON recognizes that I am lovely, lovable and worthy, then I can rest assured. If THAT PERSON deems me desirable, and chooses me among all others, then I can love myself. If THAT PERSON sees my value and gives me what I need, then this longing can stop and my hope will be made full. I rehearsed the lines indefinitely, over and over I longed for each to fulfill the role of making me okay, of giving me the worth I desperately craved.

Longing to be with someone who treats you poorly is a sign of self-abandonment. The attention and love you need to discover is your own. Longing is the process of projecting your good parts onto another instead of bringing them inside yourself. 

~ Jenna Ryan

#SelfLoveU

All I wanted was love. All I did was long for it. I did not know what love was. It took me a lot of heartbreak and heartache to discover that the thing that I longed for was never coming. I was never going to get the emptiness inside filled-up by a third party. No man was going to serve the role of Knight and Shining Armor, arriving to make me lovable. No, I had to do it myself.

This started a journey of discovery, healing and wholeness that still occurs to this day. Every day I've grown stronger in my heart as I first realized that no one else could give me what I longed for--no one else but me. That, despite the trickery of projection and psychological defenses of denial and wishful thinking, that I would have to find a way to love myself.

The longing was so embedded in my heart that it was comfortable to me. I thought longing and love were the same. I actually felt better in a state of longing than in a state of connectedness and love. I had to learn to move through the discomfort, and to embrace a new way of life. I had to trust my heart to lead me through the demolition of my old habits and ways of thinking, and build new habits of self love and inner strength.

I had to let go of longing. It was difficult, but I did it. As I let go of longing, I had to do something with the energy in its place. Instead of longing, I faced myself, meeting myself at that place of need and figuring out (an act of self-love) just what it was that I was longing for. I had to face the truth about what I needed. I had to stop projecting my need onto others and take responsibility inside my own heart. I had to realize that love is fulfillment. Love is satisfaction. Love is wholeness. Love feels good. Longing and love are not the same. I finally go it.

As I looked into my own heart and stopped the bleeding (longing), my wounded heart began to heal. Where once there was longing, there was now fulfillment--not in another, but within myself. I met myself at my need and began to connect inside my own heart. I stopped abandoning my need with defenses of fantasy love, and started meeting my needs with real self-respect, self-affirmation and self-knowledge. The gaping emptiness subsided and I could finally stand securely in my own presence without the need to be bolstered by an outside person. What a beautiful relief!

Today when I awake in the morning, I don't dream of the man-of-the-hour, romance, love, bliss... Sure, I'd love to find someone special to appreciate and share my life with, but that is not my reason for living. Now, I awake with a profound appreciation for who I am, for what life has to offer, for the power that I have to walk through my day with purpose and peace, blessing the lives of others, and for God who loves me and guides me. I can't tell you what a joy it is to find love like this within my own heart, love for myself. Hope for today, in good times and bad, it's always there--real, fulfilling love, completion and wholeness. My heart beats for me...

The only longing to follow 
is the longing to know 
Who you are. 
~Leonard Jacobson